Lesson Learned...But Not Perfected

I need to learn that I cannot just "puke" out all my confusion and inner turmoil in a blog post.  Mostly because it causes my mom needless worry when she reads it.  And she will always read it.

So, an apology for puking out my stress and frustration--and likely some hormones thrown in for good measure--on my last post.  It serve the purpose however, as I felt the relief of getting it off my chest.  But my mom did call to make sure I was okay.

I just want to write how much I love serving at the temple.  I am a new temple worker.  I began the beginning of June.  Today was my seventh week of serving there.  It was my first day after "graduating" from my training period.  I have never felt a most permeating peace than I feel in the temple.  It doesn't matter if I'm there as a worker or a patron.  The temple is a place of peace.  It settles my mind, my heart and my spirit.  Perhaps it does these miraculous things because the things we do there are the things that REALLY matter.  I like to hope that is it.  I know I don't always deserve that exquisite peace, but I feel it every time.  No matter what.


I want to share that I love my family.  Even when they make me crazy.  You know, in case anyone wondered about that.

And I have to share that I ADORE being a missionary's mom.  I'm uplifted, encouraged and delighted with her attitude and willingness to serve.  She shares the joy she finds in inviting others to Christ.  She finds excitement even when a situation isn't exactly what she'd like it to be. She works hard and is a terrific example--to me, to her brother, to our family.

And finally I am grateful to have inherited, either genetically or learned, a sense of humor.  Life is hard enough if you laugh through it.  If your didn't laugh--you'd be crying.  Every day.  Laughing is much more fun.  Whether that was taught to me or what I was taught only developed my sense of humor faster, I'll take it.  Life is short.  Laugh.  Even at yourself.

Spinning Wheels, And Other Analogies

No, I don't mean the spinning wheels, like Sleeping Beauty pricked her finger on in the story.  I mean, my wheels feel like they are spinning out...in the mud or sand or ice.  Like this blog project is getting no where in a big hurry.

Ideally, it is a point of connection for my family our of state.  Ideally, it is a personal history, a journal of sorts.  Ideally, I would be writing every day.  My world is far from ideal a the moment.

At this moment, I feel like this failure to blog is another seam slowly ripping along my straight stitched tidy life, just a thread at a time.  Nothing is a major blow out, but if I don't take the time to fix the little things, the seam will be gaping, and the edges of my life's fabric will begin to fray and there will be permanent damage.

I don't want you to worry.  There isn't anything that will rock our family's world--or my health world, or my children's world.  It is just the fact that working--what essentially amounts to full time--and tryingt o keep up with the house, The Boy, Genius Golfer, my primary class, the neighbors, etc., etc., etc. is  really knocking the wind out of me some days.  Some days I can keep it together.  Others I can't seem to keep my legs under me.

Is this typical for "working moms"?

I hate to use that term--frankly, as all the women I know are "working"--the difference is really just the paycheck.  But this shift in my life over the past almost-a-year-now, feel more acute as I go on.

I'm not saying I'm giving up the blog.  It is a useful tool to unload my mind and even vent about the world I live in.  But I put pressure on myself to write EVERY day and that isn't happening, which then goes on my "still undone" list.  And that self-imposed pressure isn't healthy, surely.

So, while my goal may be to write regularly, that may or may not be daily.  But I've been doing this since June 2008 and it's the best thing I have to say I'm a journal writer.  I don't want to leave it hanging.  So please be patient with me while I sort through my life.

And please don't ask me about my scrapbook project(s).  That is even more discouraging.

Retraction, But Only Just

Last week I wrote about the perceived selfishness of one of my coworker in light of another' coworker's family tragedy.  as commonly happens, my perception was prematurely drawn.  Apparently Morning Driver thought he was already working "on-call" this week, so he didn't see the need to take it from Office Manager--because he didn't think OM had it.

That said, I apologize for jumping to conclusions about him.  But I still feel strongly that as colleagues we need to step in to help one another.  who knows when it will be our turn to suffer the tragedy, and we'd be in a place to sincerely appreciate the help of others.

This is a common exercise with me, isn't it?  Jumping to conclusions.  It is a hard habit to break, and often times if has saved me from regret and heartache.  I guess you do the best you can and apologize when needed, like to day.

This "being human" thing isn't all its cracked up to be, is it?

Lacking Frontal Lobe Update

Friday morning I was back at the junior high to clean up our sucker sales mess and to count the deposit from the previous two nights.  When I got there, the front office secretaries told me I had a little note waiting for me too.  Joy.  Not many guesses needed to figure out who left it for me.

It was my not-BFF Lexi, the potty mouthed 8th grader.  Her note was folded all cute, like my actual, real BFF in junior high used to leave me back in the day.  I'll share with you what she wrote, with her original spelling and grammar intact.  There are more things to be concerned for with this girl, I'm afraid:

im sorryisaid you were  a btich Ilost track of my emotions.  I promase I want Do it agian-I never act like that at conserts you just caught me offgard and I really mean i m sorry I Dont mean anthing i said I just lost someone I really loved anDit was my mom and I got upset cause a year ago my mom died over a heartatack and  I lost her bu beforthat she told me she would come to all my conserts and last ones and I got mad and took it out on you anDIm realy sorry I lov how you volunteerd to be at the consert I really appreasiate it., thankyou have a good day --lexie

Overlooking the appalling spelling, grammar, and punctuation, I don't really believe this girl. She told the principal, the night of the incident, her swearing wasn't really to me but at her friend about her stepmom. Now, her "apology" feeds me this sob story?  Well, I guess she is figuring out she made a bad choice and this,perhaps, was part of her consequence.  But still.

I only have two more concerts to cover at the junior high this year.  They are for band and orchestra, which aren't nearly as high-drama as the choirs.  So I should make it.  Plus, this kind of stuff just makes me all the more grateful for my own kids--who aren't perfect--but already demonstrate better self control and interpersonal respect than this sad 8th grader.

Course Corrention Brings Relief

I first need to correct my own mistake.  The Republican caucus meeting was open to observers, but I just couldn't access the precinct info from the state GOP's website.  Friends have since told me they had non-participant observers who attended their precinct meeting.  So I apologize for that error.  The caucus was very well attended last week, and lucky for everyone, more moderate folks prevailed!

The other political thing that happened at the end of last week, was that the governor vetoed the legislation known as HB 363--a revamping of Sex Ed in public school.  His reasoning for the veto was the limiting of parental choice.  I hope the resounding public opinion that was (finally) voiced that liked what we already have in place also made some influence in his decision.

Now if I can just hang on until the state's new Common Core shift happens in our school district this fall, I think I can survive the political process.  In the meantime, I will keep a large bottle of Excedrin at the ready.

A Much Belated Apology

Back in "the day", I remember being very, very late getting home from one of my first school dance dates.  For that, I would like to apologize to my parents, who probably sat up worrying and waiting for me.  This was in the times before cell phones, or instant messaging, or texting.  I wasn't driving yet, so they weren't even sure where we would end up.  They really had no idea how to get ahold of me except to wait until the police or a hospital called.  (They never got a call like that, at least about me, but still--I was out WAY too late that time,)

Well, payback have come for me.  This weekend was The Girl's first school dance date: Sadie Hawkins.

Here is the whole gang.

Another shot of the group.  Howdy, partners!

Here is Miss Anneka and her substitute date, Brayden.  He was a very good sport, as her "real" date had play practice Friday night when the girls were doing their "day date". So Brayden came along, as Miss Anneka was driving the group to the ice skating part of the date.

(Brayden, I understand, had been asked to the dance Saturday night  by another girl anyway...but as one of the swim team captains, he knew all the girls inolved from this group and was just helping them out. Plus, he is dang cute and super charming.  Trust me on that one.)

***

I must interject here.  I didn't grow up here and this "day date" business was news to me.  Apparently, in this local culture, asking someone to a dance date isn't enough.  You must also plan (and pay for) an activity type of date for the daytime prior to the evenings' dinner and dance event.

This particular weekend posed a problem for hte girls in this group on that point.  They are all swimmers and they had a huge county-wide high school swim meet (14 teams participated) all day Saturday.  Well, no day date could be held.  Instead, the girls opted for a "Two for One"--meaning they asked the boys to the dance, and then asked them to their "day date" for Friday night instead.  So they planned to go ice skating, but one of the Sadie's dates had final dress rehearsal fora play that opens tonight and he couldn't be there.  So a substitute date came along for the "day night" the night before the real date.

Are you confused yet?!  I know.  I was a little too.

***

The Girl and her date, Darian.

Miss Andrea with her date, McKay.

And Miss Melanie with her date, Bronson.

You say you want one more group shot?  You say you want to be Gansta-Cowboys? 

(If something like this even exists in real life, it must be a very microscopic demographic.)

The girls did their "day date" on Friday night and didn't get home until after 11:30 PM.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I am not sure when they got in.  The girls all came here after dropping their dates at home to look at the pictures we had taken that night and to pick up their copies of the photos discs.

Saturday night, after swimming all day, and having been up late the night before, and then going to dinner and the dance, they didn't get home until after 11:30 PM again.  And again, I was exhausted--this is the story of my life lately--so I am not sure what time they came home as I had fallen asleep.  But the point is...it was late.

And so, Mom and Dad, for any part of the similarity to my own dance/date life at her age, I am truly sorry.  You can be sure that payback had come due in my life.  So, you're welcome for that, I guess. 

I Stand Corrected

OK, my post yesterday was a vent...and the dis about Mother's Day was bound to happen. But the moment after I wrote that and posted it, I read an article that has since made me rethink my feelings about motherhood.

In this article, the author spoke of the story in Matthew 25 that we generally think of in terms of charity. Mothers are good at "Clothing the naked, feeding the hungry...." They do it all the time. But how many of us have ever thought that WE are also those"whom ye saw naked, and clothed" or "hungered and fed"?

Maybe we need to cut ourselves a little slack.

I don't imagine any mom worth the title gets up any morning of her children's lives and wondered how she could ruin her kid that day. We each try really hard to do the best we can. No, we aren't perfect at it, but it isn't for lack of trying.

Most moms--especially the ones I really admire--work very hard to do the best they can for each of her children. And that best isn't always the same for each child. She is personalizing her mothering for each one. Honing in on what will assist and teach and develop her child--one child at a time.

So, I apologize for the snippy Mother's Day remark, and vow that tomorrow I will do my best to cut myself and everyone else I know a little more slack about our parenting behaviors. But that doesn't mean I have to like singing "Love at Home".

Editor's Note

I didn't get around to posting yesterday because I was contemplating why I write here.  Initially, two years ago, I thought I would write as a daily exercise, like a columnist--but for obviously less financial reward.  I thought I would have things to say, and ideas to share, and issues to discuss, and thoughts to air. 

But I also discovered that, in my writing, I inadvertently hurt a friend's feelings and for that I am very sorry.  There was never any malice intended, but I obviously didn't think things through first.  I wrote without first digesting my own feelings and consequently wrote the first thoughts that came out of me, which caused this friend pain.

For that I am sincerely sorry. 

Aside from my apologizing, I made a terrible mistake.  I recognize that, and am irritated at myself for doing something so dumb in the first place.  I value her friendship and counsel and advice.  And due to my thoughtless and flippant remarks, I hurt her.
Subsequently, I am putting myself on a writing hiatus (read: time out) for the remainder of this week.  So, check back next week and see if I can pull out of this with any shred of dignity or any friends left.  In the meantime, I'll do what I can to make amends.  Finding forgiveness takes time.

Better Late Than Never

I had the unexpected happen yesterday. I received a personal apology from something that happened ten or so years ago. I remembered the event, but not the details. I remember the feelings of hurt and anger, but they had faded to dust in the years between. Frankly, I had written the whole ugly exchange off as a learning experience years ago, but I was humbled and delighted to hear the apology just the same.

Sometimes, for things like apologies or expressions of appreciation or tender words of love, there are no statutes of limitation. ANY time is a good time to say you are sorry, or how grateful you are, or that you love somebody. Even if it comes a decade or more late.

Wisdom of Anne

In Anne of Green Gables, at least the miniseries that I love and own on three discs on DVD, Anne shares with Miss Stacey her regret about something she perpetrated on Gil or one of her other fellows on Prince Edward Island. Miss Stacey, being the loyal and dutiful mentor she is to young Anne, reminds her that tomorrow is another day. And though very unlike Miss Scarlett of Gone with the Wind fame, Anne muses back to her that "tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it".

Well,my friends, today is like that proverbial tomorrow. Albeit, today is the first of the new year. Therefore, our whole new year lies before us with no mistakes in it.

Of course, if you know anything about me, you know the mistakes will quickly be made, and probably several a day if my course and pattern continue.

For example, last night, Genius Golfer and I met two other couples and a dear single friend (who was wise enough not to bring a date with him, knowing he was dining with the group we have become) whom we had attended our last singles ward with together. Dear Single Friend Gary is delightful in every way. And yet I shot my mouth off and teased him, not just a little, but over the line. It is just that he makes it so easy to do. And he gives it just as good as he takes the teasing, so it is hard to fight such spontaneous thoughts.

So, to begin the new year, I'd like to apologize to Gary for teasing him about the children's menu last night at the Texas Roadhouse where they do not serve creamy cucumber dressing on the house salad and where our server, Josh, was already sweating bullets as he came to take our order for dinner last night.

This will decidedly not be the end to my apologizing, but I do hope I learn to recognize the need for the required apology faster so as to apologize in person, and eventually avoid crossing the line and needing the apology in the first place.

Well, I can hope. New Year's Days ought to be full of optimism.

Stop Bringing Me Down, Man

I'd first like to apologize for my written pity party post yesterday. Things are not as bad as I made them sound--or even as bad as I meant for them to sound. A lot of my whining comes from things I signed myself up for--like Dear Friend Micheale reminds me "I'm a volunteer". So true. So I am sorry to dump on each of you in this forum.

The Boy's stitches came out yesterday morning and the doctor said his incision is healing beautifully. The nurse put steri-stips on the incision and they will stay on until they slowly wear themselves off. The Boy, much to his disappointment, can fully wash his hair and face every day without disrupting the wound. Good thing, is all I can say there.

The Girl is still enjoying swim practice, but prefers to actually swim. They only have access to the pool every other day (on "A" days) so on "B" days, at least so far this week, they are running and doing dry land workouts. They are no so fun for her. But she is getting to know the high school and the high school kids. As a freshman from the junior high, that might ease her transition next fall. Not that she will need much easing. She is mostly easy going in general. Lucky for me.

I'm preparing an assignment for our Stake Leadership meeting coming up next week. I have the spiritual thought in our opening exercises with the Relief Society and Primary sisters and then a small part in our Young Women specific section. That is my goal today, as I spent all of yesterday working on PTA. I need a break from that side of my life and the concentration on the Spirit might do me some good.

Genius Golfer is putting in long hours at his new job--new being about two weeks or so old. He seems to like it, but the hours are not my favorite. At least he HAS a job, I know. I was just spoiled when he was only 5 minutes away. Now he is almost an hour on the freeway each direction. I miss having him home for dinner and to say morning family prayer with us. He is building a department and a IT system from scratch, essentially, so there will be long hours for him for a while. SO long as he is happy, I can learn to adjust.

It is Tuesday, and while I still have many things on my "To-Do" list, I recognize I am blessed just to have the flexibility to do all the things I can do. I am blessed to be healthy enough to do them. I am blessed to have the time to do many things other ladies don't have time to do. Some day I'll have time to do other things I think I want to do, but in the meantime I am counting my blessings today and trying to enjoy the day as it unfolds. Thanks for listening, even when the whine gets turned up too loud.

Pledge to Retrench

Well, for first biting my tongue and not being snarky then waiting until the afternoon to post, I was rightfully chastised for my venomous diatribe on guilt. I can't win a battle with myself.

Actually you, gentle readers, cannot win. I snarked anyway. Dangit.

So, I apologize for my selfish and pity-party remarks yesterday. I will retrench and do better today.

That is not normally how I see myself, anyway. Making my personally focused snark a bit distorted. Plus it bummed me out the whole rest of the day.

Thanks to all who commented--either here in writing or in person. I need good friends who will help me off the slippery slope.

Editor's Note

Editor's Note:
The previous post has been deemed obnoxious and mean spirited. The author has been properly chastised and sent to time-out. She does now sincerely and deeply apologize for her emotionally charged writings. She has assured her editors that no other offensive topics will be breached and, in general, her posting will be limited to her own experiences with minimal intrusion on others.

As editors, we also apologize for any discomfort or awkwardness the previous post may have caused our readership. We look forward to a more mature level of writing to be included in this publication. We do thank you for your patience and long suffering.

With deepest regrets,
The Editor