Feelings Demand Processing

I am fighting the feeling the guilt I am sensing because I haven't written in several weeks.  But I'm grateful for the relief it gives me to not feel the daily pressure.  I hope all of you (however few of you are left) that read my posting can overlook the lack of regularity and just know that I am processing  more than I get written each week.

In the weeks since I have written, I had an epiphany and even acted on it.

I realized that I have difficulty communicating with Genius Golfer at times, and I certainly don't receive communication in an easily comprehensible way from him.  So I scheduled an visit with my Bishop.  A bishop is our local congregational leader.  In our faith, this is a man who leads for a period of time--about 5 years, usually--as a volunteer.  He really doesn't have any specialized training like theological studies or anything like that, but his faith in the Savior is solid and his determination to follow God's commandments (and help others along the way) is sure.  As an added bonus in my case, he is also my neighbor--has been for almost 20 years--and I love him and his family.

So I made an appointment and when the time came I went in to visit.  We first visited about our respective children--his son is serving a mission in Europe and The Girl is serving in Illinois.  Once the chit-chat was done, he asked what I wanted to talk about.  I expressed to him that I have felt a need to seek guidance and advise for a mismatched communication level in my marriage.  I explained that I feel unequally yoked to Genius Golfer at times.  Intellectually, Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically.  We just don't seem to be on the same page.  And knowing that we are going to be sending The Boy off to the "next big thing" in his life far sooner than I am ready for, I was worried that the state of the relationship was in danger.

He gave me a reassuring smile and said that when he saw my name on the schedule that night, he had a feeling that I wanted to talk about this.  Considering that I hadn't told anyone one Earth about my concerns, I was impressed.  And I was comforted because I had laid open my heart to my Heavenly Father in prayer about these concerns for weeks, months, even.  I knew the Spirit had prompted him to know what I was coming in to talk with him about.  And that made me relax a bit.

Nothing ground breaking or earth shattering was disclosed, but my concerns were taken seriously and treated with respect and loving kindness.  He gave me a recommendation to visit with a counselor--a professional with marriage counseling credentials. Then he asked if I would visit with him throughout this time I was seeing the counselor, so he can keep the spiritual side in his line of sight.  He suggested that the counselor will help me learn some new techniques and develop some new communication tools to strengthen my marriage.  He gave me a priesthood blessing before I left and I felt a surge of love and encouragement from my Heavenly Father and the strength to continue the efforts of trying.

I love my husband.  I am committed to our marriage, 100%.  There is not a chance that I am giving in or giving up.  But I know that somehow I can figure out some way to both be striving for the best we have to offer each other.  And I have used up my current tool box.  It's time for some new tools. And that is what I'm looking forward to finding.

I'm looking forward to learning and developing and growing in order to learn and grown and develop with GG.  Anything worth holding on to is worth that.  And our marriage is worth all that and more.