An Unattached Saturday...

For a Saturday, this is a weird situation. 

The Boy is still in bed.  No surprise there.

The Girl is off with her friends prepping fro tonight's Sweater Swing Dance at the school.  She is taking a darling boy named Josh (but not the swimmer Josh) and the theme of tonight's dance is Disney Duos, so the girls are painting t-shirts to look like Disney pairs.  Josh and The Girl are going as Buzz Lightyear and Jessie the Cowgirl.  I'll try to post photos.

Genius Golfer is golfing.  Yet another non-surprise.  It is the non-official opening of their men's association season.  Really, I think these guys just can't wait to be in season again, so they pre-empted it just because they wanted to.

My goal today is to work on some things for Primary, as well as find a green blouse to wear to church tomorrow.  Sounds pretty easy, right?  We'll see.

In the meantime, hope your weekend is as relaxed as it seems around here.

Friday, Finally!

Sure seems like it has been a long week.  Maybe it is just me. 

One of my Trek kids left for her mission this week.  she is my first "trek daughter" to go.

So I think I'll call in a little visual funny today:

Happy Friday, friends.

Bad Answers

Okay, I just re-read what I wrote yesterday and realized I went against all I just had told you.  I applied for a job at the high school yesterday.  The job that I had just heard about last night that caused me immediate stomach squirming.  But after thinking about it all day, I think the immediate squirming sensation is from nerves.  The rest of the day I have been kind of excited about it.

I know I don't have a lock on this, but feel like it would be a good fit for me.  I enjoy the folks I'd be working with, and while I'd have preferred to work with (and learn from ) the gal that is leaving Monday I could get along there.  I will just have a LOT to learn!

And my PTA life will have to alter, I think.  I know some people can do it and work full time, and maybe there might be some room for concessions as I'll be at the high school already, but I don't want to take anything for granted. This might be the crisis for our board to step it up a bit more. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Did you hear that?  I sounded just like my mom.

I could have just as easily said "Fiddly-dee.  I think about that tomarrah."  But then I'd sound like Scarlett O'Hara and I don't generally do that.

Anyway.

I think The Boy and I have his schedule figured out for next year.  It is crazy to think he is going to be a junior.  I remember what Junior boys looked like--Keith, I am talking about you, and Kevin and Patrick, etc....and The Boy doesn't fit that in my head.  But it is hard for me to look at him and see beyond his little-boy expression or goofy accented voices he pulls for me.  His latest?  Bullwinkle, the Moose.  he had work to do on that one.

The Girl received another scholarship yesterday.  This was the one from a PGHS alum who also is a USU alum.  It is a $5,000, one-year non renewable, non-deferrable scholarship.  She did the math last night and figures the monetary value of the scholarships she has earned or received is close to $40K.  We are so blessed.  It is the perfect timing for that kind of blessing.  And she will do well with that kind of send off.  Tuition, books, housing, food and maybe a laptop or tablet computer will all be covered.

We are blessed.

And regardless of what comes with this job application, I feel a renewed hope that things will work out. They always have in the past.  We are doing what we feel the Lord wants us to do and striving to be obedient each day.  I know He blesses us and I know He has heard my prayers about our situation.  I read in the new Ensign yesterday a paragraph that struck me.  It says:

"...Now with that perspective I can look at difficulties with new understanding. I can see that God did provide miracles all along the way that have carried me through. He did not provide me with the miracles that I wanted; He provided me with the miracles that I needed."

Maybe this job opportunity is what I need, rather than what I want right now.   But either way, Iknow we are blessed.  And that is enough for now.

Good Questions

Last evening I had an interview with our Bishop to renew my temple recommend.  Before he started asking me the "test questions" he sat and visited with me, asking me questions about how my life was going.

Sometimes these are the much harder questions to answer.

No.  They are definitely the harder questions to answer.

He asked me about how things were going at home.  He specifically asked about our finances.  So I told him just what I thought and added some points about my feelings.  He sympathized by telling me that he has learned in this calling that men and women do not see things the same way and had wondered how I was doing in regards to our current family financial situation.

I talked to him about feeling guilty that I am not working, and the conflict I feel when I think about working--even at the school--and the sick feeling I have had all weekend about it.  I feel guilty because I am capable of working, but I'm not.  I feel like one of us ought to be providing our family an income.  I was sick about the idea that if I did work, would that make Genius Golfer feel less like the family provider, or worse yet, give him a pass to golf all year and not really have his head in the game and think he didn't need to work anymore?  All these feeling have swirled about my head and the swirling has gotten to a tornado level this past weekend.

And last night I got word that the spot at the school when I might best fit in a job was just opened.  And it made me more sick.

He asked me about how I was feeling about my calling.  I told him I was struggling.  The information is something I can teach with my eyes closed, but I didn't care for this age group--even when The Boy and The Girl were this age.  I told him I love working with my co-teacher, but I don't feel much of a challenge and figured there must be something else I need to learn here.  I told him that I took the calling to be obedient, not because I was happy about it.

I was happy to share with him how I was feeling.  He asked, after all.  I just don't want to be a whiner and I don't like the idea of doing less than I should.  I want to do something with 100% effort and see what I do make a difference.  I want to be useful and of benefit to others.  Which, I guess in a way, is the core of my conflict right now.

I could be of use in a job.  But I feel I am benefiting my community in my volunteer work. I feel I give 100% as a PTA leader and I make a difference to my kids and others' kids too doing that.

When I have prayed about working I never have a settled feeling, so I have avoided pursuing it more.  With this new job becoming available, I feel like I should at least apply because it is "the right thing to do" for anyone looking at us from the outside.  But when I just feel sick to my stomach about it, that is a pretty resounding answer to me.

He had some good questions for me.  I just wish I had better answers.

Practice Day

Yesterday The Girl went to her first period class, and then (because her college classes were not held--due to UVU's spring break this week) I excused her from her third period class.  She had a "college visit day" today so her absence could be excused.  The funny thing here is that he visit was to her dear friend Nicole at BYU.  The Girl didn't even apply to BYU, but whatever.

She had a chance to spend the night and hang out with her friend and shadow her all day in her university classes.  At least she got the chance to see what kind of stuff is coming for her.  In that way, it didn't matter which school she visited.

I had a good idea where I would go to college, simply by doing the math.  There really was only one place that was cheap enough to attend.  I didn't have the scholarships The Girl has and my payment option was a very gracious set of parents.  So I went where it made financial sense--BYU.  I resigned myself to that but still flew out to visit for a weekend when I was still a senior in high school and stayed with friends from my home ward.  That was a good weekend.

It was great to hang out with friends who showed me around and helped me see that I could fit in on campus and gave me the idea that I could be happy there.  The resignation turned to excitement after that weekend trip.

In The Girl's case, she will have a chance to got up to USU (her chosen school) at the end of the month for a weekend visit there.  I'm sure she is excited about going to school.  The real trick is getting her to keep her head in the game until high school graduation.

But last night was a practice for me to have her gone.  The Boy even asked last night, on out FHE activity--a trip to Costco--what Genius Golfer and I would talk about once they are both gone?  Mean boy.  I'm consigned to them leaving...that si what I raised them to do.  But it might be nice if they issed US once ina while.

I guess I need more practice.

Family Ties

Last evening we had one of our monthly family dinners at Grandamcita's home.  This one was for my BIL, who turned 50 last week.  We have a dinner about once a month, as each of Genius Golfer's siblings, and their respective spouses have birthdays in differing months.  So it is generally 4 of GG's sibs, 3 spouses, and whatever kid-cousins show up.

The last time we got together it was The Boy's turn to pray in our family prayer that night.  In his prayers he told God that he was thankful for his cousins and that they loved each other and got along so well.

I was touched to hear that kind of sentiment form him, but my heart broke at the same time.  I love that the kids love their cousins--and they really do!  Now that they are old enough to drive, they find ways to get together, with or without the parents.  What is heartbreaking is that my two nephews have become estranged to my own kids.  The boys don't know my kids and my kids don't know the boys anymore.

When they were all little my sister and I would try to do something with the kids all together monthly or so, and more in the summer.  We wanted them to know each other as we never knew most of our own cousins.  We had three close by as we grew up and we certainly loved them, but we had more that lived states away and we never got to know, and consequently might not even recognize if we saw them on the street.

My sisters boys and my kids began to drift away as a result of her divorce.  There were time issues and visitations.  There was some kind of drama, to this day we don't know the story, that the older one in particular was told by the other side of his family to keep him from wanting to be with us.  My kids experienced a loss that no kid should have to feel--and that was nothing compared to the strife the boys were experiencing.  But my kids didn't understand what their cousins were going through, and there was little we could really tell them to help.

Now, I think most of the strife for the boys is settling down, but know their parents have both remarried and there are blended families to settle into.  Add to that the schedules of busy teenagers and family activities and work schedules and church and...well, you can see that there is little time left to reestablish relationships with their cousins from that side of the family.

So while I my heart hurts for the broken relationships with my own nephews my kids are missing out on, I rejoice that they do have cousins that they know and love and want to be with any chance they get.  And I hope that the time will come with repairs and reacquaintances can be made.

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