A Truth Remembered

Today we had our Relief Society's stake women's conference.  It was a wonderful way to spend the day.  There is too much to write tonight, but let me just share just one thought that I received.  It was from a workshop about "Self-Esteem Versus Self-Worth:  Seeing and Improving Ourselves in the Lord's Way".

Our fabulous instructor is a licensed clinical social worker, professionally.  She is the ward Relief Society president.  She is just a wonderful, down to earth, compassionate, kind woman.  She illustrated the differences that the world teaches us--women in particular--in contrast to the teaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  For example, in the world, we are identified by what we do or have.  In the Gospel, we are identified as who we are, children of God.  The world teaches self-esteem comes from our comparison to others.  The Gospel tells us the worth or our souls is great.

Just as she mentioned this contrast, I realized something amazing.  I realized that to the world, only one person can be recognized as  "the best".  She used the example of the Miss America competes in the Miss Universe pageant--and even then the winner of that pageant is only the most beautiful woman int he world for one year.  The next year the pageant crowns someone new.

But in the Gospel we can each excel without diminishing the excellence of others.  It reminds me of a quote we are using for our YW Winter Camp Leadership Retreat next weekend.  It is from Marianne Williamson, and says: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, you are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us,  It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  A s we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

That kind of knowledge is powerful and uplifting.  It was to me today as I felt a new perspective.  I hope it does the same for you.

Ripped From The Post

Don't Carpe Diem by Glennon Melton

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."

That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here's what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.



Follow Glennon Melton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Momastery

Differences

I found this the other day and it seemed too true not to share.  It makes for a bit of a cop-out as far as the blog post today goes.  But it is still true.  And I'll do better tomorrow.  Maybe.

Dream On?

I woke up several times last night and each time I went back to sleep I'd fall back into an uncomfortable dream I was having throughout the night--which was the reason I kept waking up.  Sadly, it was not the "Hey, remember!  These are the blog post topics you couldn't remember" kind of dream.  It was a weirdly sad dream instead.

I don't generally remember what I dream about at night, but this one--probably because of the multiple interruptions and revisits--had the best chance of staying in my head.

I dreamt it was nearly my class reunion.  Number 25 is scheduled for this summer.  I dreamt that my mom called to tell me that my childhood friend Kathy had called and has asked if my parents would mind hosting a pre-reunion party for several of our friends.

Now this is not unheard of.  My parents actually did this the weekend of my twentieth reunion.  I was there and it was primarily for friends from church who weren't really interested in drinking--our actual reunion was held at a local winery near my parents' home.  I thoroughly enjoyed the pre-party.  Even more than the actual reunion party.

But in the dream, Kathy was putting the pressure on to have the party at their place.  The funny thing here is, in real life, Kathy hasn't spoken to me for 15 years.  She certainly hasn't called my parents to chit-chat with them in all that time.  So the likelihood of her really doing this is small.  I know.  But in a dream, you can't tell yourself the plausibility of the situation.

In the dream, I was upset that she would bully herself in on my parents.  In the dream I wasn't planning on going to the reunion anyways (I still am not in real life) so I thought she had 'some nerve'.  And my parents, who when we were young, really loved this girl like she was a bonus sister to me.  So I thought that was pretty tacky.

Innocuous enough, right?  It was just a dream, after all.  But that logic didn't help my mind settle all night long.

When I got up this morning, I thought about why I wasn't going to go to the reunion, really.  Some little part of me doesn't want to see her again.  That much is true.  But the more part of my reason stems from having a life now I like so much better than the one I had in high school.  I have very little in common with the kids I grew up with any more.  Though my friends from church would still be delightful to see and catch up with, but that didn't feel comfortable last time, sitting the winery's party tent with everyone else around us slowly getting sloshed.

Does this line of reasoning make me a bad person?  I had a great childhood and a pretty fun high school career.  But that was so long ago.  I never fit with the "cool kids" in high school, though may were my friends.  I didn't fit with the "jocks", though I had many friends who were definitely in that group.  I did what I liked and tried to be friendly and smart and do what I needed to get to college and more on.  I thought, at the time as well as today, that THAT is what HS is all about.  The launching ground.  Not the final destination.

So, knowing that my dream life is worrying about this six or seven months prior to the actual event--it will be held during Garlic Festival, apparently--I guess I have many more uneasy and sleepless nights ahead.  But the feelings I had that my life is good now, in the place I'm at now, and with the family and volunteer work and church commitments I have now, is a pretty powerful realization.  I do love my life.  And I certainly wouldn't want to go back for a do-over.  Because really, I'm watching The Girl go through all that teenaged- high school-drama right now and that is challenging enough, as just the parent.  Been there, done that.

Drawing a Blank

Yesterday I knew I had to get the "lesson" post written up or I'd forget what I had said in the lesson we gave.  I also had two terrific other blog posts that I should have written down--at least the titles--because today I cannot recall what they were.

That is just how life is for me sometimes.  I have moments of brilliance followed immediately by flashes of complete forgetfulness.  I hate it when that happens.

Sometimes that happens when I was meaning to tell someone something, and I can't remember the topic.  I figure, "It must have been a lie."  Maybe that is what is happening with those two phantom blog post topics.  I'm really hoping they will come to me again in a dream, or vision, or whatever it takes to jog this obese memory of mine.

If that happens I'll be sure to write it down the moment I thin of them, so I don't forget again.  Dangit.

Daughters of God

Yesterday I had the opportunity to teach a young women's class--along with the rest of our YW presidency--as part of an annual ward conference visit.  We will eventually share this lesson with all six wards in our stake, but this year we are holding these conferences only once each month, rather than back to back to back in a blur within about 8 weeks,start to finish.  So far, I see the advantage of this new system.

To begin our team lesson we used a quote from Marianne Williamson, which reads: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,  We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

After sharing this thought with the girls and their leaders, then I taught a five minute portion about "Arise and Shine Forth as Daughters of God".  My section went a little like this:

I have three pictures of three little girls I'd like you to look at.

Little girl number 1:

Little girl number 2:

Here is this same little girl in color--just for comparative purposes:

Little girl number 3:

Do you see similarities in these little girls?  What similarities do you see? 

(Answers vary, but include hair & eye color, chubby cheeks & fingers, shape of the lips, noses, pale skin)

Can you tell these little girls are related?

Girl #1 is my daughter, The Girl.

Girl #2 is me. 

Girl #3 is my mom.

As little girls, we looked an awful lot like each other, don't we?  Must be a shallow gene-pool. Do you see other ways we resemble one another?  Can you guess that we have other traits--that you can't see--that we inherited from one generation to another?  Sure.  We each can be hard headed and stubborn at times.  We each have tremendous faith.  We each enjoy music. We each are fairly smart--though The Girl really blows me away with that trait.  We are hard workers.  And we are each responsible and dependable, to name a few.

In the scriptures, let's look up 1 John 3:2:

Beloved, now are we the sons and I would add, DAUGHTERS of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

If we truly believe we are "daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us", that those are not just words we repeat ever Wednesday night at mutual and every Sunday morning in our YW meeting at church, if we really believe that, we will also find we have traits that He has.  Some of those are waiting to be developed.  They might even be dormant until we identify them and work to develop them.  Others we might see right away.

When we see Him, we will be like Him.  That is because we are His children, His daughters.

Let's go back to the scriptures again.  This time in Alma 5:14 & 19:

(14) And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren and sisters of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?

(19) I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?

Having His image in our countenances is a way others can see we are living according to His direction, that we are obedient to our Father, that we are doing things because we know we are Daughters of God.

Sister Margaret Nadauld, a former General YW president, said in a New Era article in Oct 2002:

"You can recognize young women who are grateful to be daughters of God by their outward appearance. They understand their responsibility over their bodies and treat them with dignity...You can recognize young women who are grateful to be daughters of God by their attitudes. They know the errand of angels is given to women, and they desire to be on God's errand, to love His children and minister to them....You can recognize young women who are grateful to be daughters of God by their abilities.  They fulfill their divine potential and magnify their God-given gifts....Grateful daughters of God know it is the nurturing of women that can bring everlasting blessings, and they live to cultivate this divine attribute."

(Then I bear my testimony to the fact that I love them, as one of their YW leaders.)  I know that God is our Heavenly Father who loves us.  And that as we live in accordance to His commands, following His Son, Jesus Christ--who is our Savior and Redeemer--we can emit that light to others and help them to develop an grow.  I know that as we do this, we will be happy and will make others happy in the process, including our loving Heavenly Father.

The rest of the lesson includes a segment about "Arise ans Shine Forth as Sisters in Zion" where Sister S talks about service to others and working together for good.  And then, finally, Sister N concludes with "Arise and Shine Forth as Seekers of Light".

Since my mom helped so much finding and scanning and emailing me the pictures of herself and me, I must thank her.  It worked out great!   Each time I give my section it gets a little more refined and more sure.  But for the first time out, it went well, and i was happy to share that message with the YW of the Timp 3rd ward.

Sunday Video

Just a reminder of what our faily sounds like in church, singing the hymns of Zion.  You're welcome to sit away from us too.  We won't take it personally.