I've not been diagnosed, but I think there really is something wrong. I can't remember things. I mean, I am unable to remember things that I should know. Things that I knew before. Things that a good, rational, responsible adult just knows. And I recognize that I cannot.
I have always worried about mental illness, as it runs in my family. But I really thought that I had my run-in with it after The Boy's birth and I dealt with post-partum depression for about two years. Now I can't remember much from that period of my life, sadly. But I have always thought that was based more on the meds and the depression than the simple inability to recall memories.
Now I am worried that there might be more to this.
How early can they determine you could have Alzheimer's? Can they really tell without an autopsy? Do things just progressively get worse until I die and they slice my brain and see it under the microscope and then tell for sure that is what this was? Because that really doesn't help me now.
So far as I remember, I have had issue with remembering for awhile but I have always chalked it up to being busy--you know too many things to keep straight in my head. But maybe that was my justification. What if this is just the beginning? What if I am slowing losing my mind? Not facetiously, but for real? That scares me.
For as long as we have been married, I have created scrapbook to memorialize the events of our lives. What if that is the best I'll ever have? What if the memories I still retain slowly drift away and I get to the point that I can't even remember who the people are int he pictures in the albums I have made? What will my life be like then?
And how will I be able to take care of my family if that happens? I won't. I know it. I will be the one who need caring for, and I'll become a burden on my family. And what if Genius Golfer realizes that it is just too much for him? Or what if the kids don't want to bother with their "sick, old mom"? Then what?
I'm not ashamed to tell you that I am terrified of this happening. I sit here thinking of it, all the while tears running down my face at the thought of burdening my family. Especially when it gets so bad that I don't recognize them as my family anymore.
GG's grandmother had Alzheimer's. Worse than that, she became a mean, nasty old woman. Now I know, intellectually, that she wasn't herself. Her mind was under attack and she would say things that she never would have thought before she got ill. It wasn't pretty. And it was pretty dang uncomfortable to be with her. And it was more than a little scary. I don't ever want to be that to my family.
My own grandma was off her nut from before I was born. But it wasn't Alzheimer's. My theory is she had a similar post-partum depression after one of her babies, and she never pulled out of it. Then, because it was the 50s, her treatment method options were few. Hers included shock treatment. Her included heavy medication. Hers left her unwell for the rest of her life. But she was happy. She just didn't always know what was going on around her. As a child, I sensed that Grandma just wasn't there all the time. But I felt she loved me. And I wasn't ever afraid of her.
I am 42 years old. I don't think it is too early to see the possibility of this terrible illness beginning to sink it's ugly claws into my mind. At least that would make sense of what I am experiencing. Because this isn't normal. And unlike the hearing loss or visual impairment that GG keeping accusing me of, this cannot really be tested thoroughly enough to evaluate whether or not I am getting sick. But I'm just losing my mind.
And that scares me.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Where Was This Reported?!
I read this online this week, and thoroughly agree. This is written by Deseret News editiorial writer, Jay Evensen. I think it is brilliant. And I think it also explains a lot of what is wrong in this world. See what you think:
The best news story last week got little play nationally, even though one columnist for the Portland Oregonian wrote simply, “Wow.”
When BYU suspended Brandon Davies for an honor code violation during the middle of a legitimate run for the national championship last March, the world took notice that an institution actually would put something, anything, ahead of winning. But last week Davies was reinstated and reportedly overjoyed at receiving a second chance, without generating nearly as much chatter.
Here’s what the Oregonian’s John Canzano wrote: “I figured the player (Davies) would re-surface somewhere, bitter and more talkative, and eventually write a book about life under the code at BYU. Instead, he’s back for more, and grateful for the chance.”
This, he said, is amazing “when contrasted to the decision-making we see from many college athletes today.”
The news business naturally gravitates toward tales of scandals, crimes and famous people behaving badly. That’s not just a ploy to sell newspapers (if anyone out there has a real plan for selling papers, a lot of management types in this industry would like to hear it). It’s a reflection of what people typically like to read and discuss.
But there ought to be more room on our public radar screens for stories about redemption, as well, and about an honor code that forces athletic programs to focus on students more than games.
That doesn’t seem to have been the case at the University of Miami, where football players are alleged to have accepted gifts, money and prostitutes. It wasn’t the guiding principle at the Ohio State University, where a famous coach was forced to resign amid enough moral debris (jewelry, drugs, cash, tattoos and relations with a drug dealer) to resemble an explosion at a sewage plant.
It isn’t the case in far too many businesses and governments, where greed and self-interests have, among other things, nearly destroyed the world’s economy.
Read the headlines and you may get the idea that the world is awash in opportunism and dishonesty; that, to put it in Star Wars terms, this planet is little more than a lawless Tatooine in a desolate corner of the universe.
Which is why we need stories like Brandon Davies to bring us back to, well, earth.
People, generally, are honest, and they want to do what is right. The web site wallettest.com offers an interesting sociological case study to back this up.
The site dropped 100 wallets, each containing $2.10 in cash, a fake $50 gift certificate and identification clearly giving the owner’s name and contact information, at various places around a medium-sized U.S. city. Overall, 74 percent of the people who found a wallet returned it.
Of course, the results might have been different if the wallets contained wads of cash, a football or basketball championship, or fame. But I’d like to think most people still would give it back.
I have collected several reasons through the years for believing that. There were the two Utah County sisters, aged 21 and 16, who found a duffel bag in an abandoned shopping cart last year in Spanish Fork. Inside, they found $17,811 in cash. They called police, who located the owner.
There was Josh Ferrin, a man I work with at the paper every day, who discovered more than $45,000 in cash hidden in a house he had bought in Bountiful. He gave it back to the home’s previous owner, whose deceased father had saved it through the years.
There was the convenience store clerk in South Salt Lake who, two years ago, found $1,200 in cash on the floor in front of his counter. He, too, gave the money to police, who found the owner. The list goes on.
Integrity is not completely synonymous with honesty. As British ethicist Roger Steare once said, it is a “word that describes the sum of all our principles and values.”
And when people or institutions exhibit it, good things, such as a student athlete paying the price and earning a second chance, often happen. That is the story that ought to have risen higher on news budgets last week.
The best news story last week got little play nationally, even though one columnist for the Portland Oregonian wrote simply, “Wow.”
When BYU suspended Brandon Davies for an honor code violation during the middle of a legitimate run for the national championship last March, the world took notice that an institution actually would put something, anything, ahead of winning. But last week Davies was reinstated and reportedly overjoyed at receiving a second chance, without generating nearly as much chatter.
Here’s what the Oregonian’s John Canzano wrote: “I figured the player (Davies) would re-surface somewhere, bitter and more talkative, and eventually write a book about life under the code at BYU. Instead, he’s back for more, and grateful for the chance.”
This, he said, is amazing “when contrasted to the decision-making we see from many college athletes today.”
The news business naturally gravitates toward tales of scandals, crimes and famous people behaving badly. That’s not just a ploy to sell newspapers (if anyone out there has a real plan for selling papers, a lot of management types in this industry would like to hear it). It’s a reflection of what people typically like to read and discuss.
But there ought to be more room on our public radar screens for stories about redemption, as well, and about an honor code that forces athletic programs to focus on students more than games.
That doesn’t seem to have been the case at the University of Miami, where football players are alleged to have accepted gifts, money and prostitutes. It wasn’t the guiding principle at the Ohio State University, where a famous coach was forced to resign amid enough moral debris (jewelry, drugs, cash, tattoos and relations with a drug dealer) to resemble an explosion at a sewage plant.
It isn’t the case in far too many businesses and governments, where greed and self-interests have, among other things, nearly destroyed the world’s economy.
Read the headlines and you may get the idea that the world is awash in opportunism and dishonesty; that, to put it in Star Wars terms, this planet is little more than a lawless Tatooine in a desolate corner of the universe.
Which is why we need stories like Brandon Davies to bring us back to, well, earth.
People, generally, are honest, and they want to do what is right. The web site wallettest.com offers an interesting sociological case study to back this up.
The site dropped 100 wallets, each containing $2.10 in cash, a fake $50 gift certificate and identification clearly giving the owner’s name and contact information, at various places around a medium-sized U.S. city. Overall, 74 percent of the people who found a wallet returned it.
Of course, the results might have been different if the wallets contained wads of cash, a football or basketball championship, or fame. But I’d like to think most people still would give it back.
I have collected several reasons through the years for believing that. There were the two Utah County sisters, aged 21 and 16, who found a duffel bag in an abandoned shopping cart last year in Spanish Fork. Inside, they found $17,811 in cash. They called police, who located the owner.
There was Josh Ferrin, a man I work with at the paper every day, who discovered more than $45,000 in cash hidden in a house he had bought in Bountiful. He gave it back to the home’s previous owner, whose deceased father had saved it through the years.
There was the convenience store clerk in South Salt Lake who, two years ago, found $1,200 in cash on the floor in front of his counter. He, too, gave the money to police, who found the owner. The list goes on.
Integrity is not completely synonymous with honesty. As British ethicist Roger Steare once said, it is a “word that describes the sum of all our principles and values.”
And when people or institutions exhibit it, good things, such as a student athlete paying the price and earning a second chance, often happen. That is the story that ought to have risen higher on news budgets last week.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hang On To Your Hats
Today is one of those days that make you wonder "What am I thinking?" I have a series of things to do on my list today. And I'm crossing my fingers that it all goes well. That, and I really love having a crock pot to use to make dinner for me.
Here is what my day looks like today:
--A bulletin board build at the stake center for Young Women (I finally borrowed a key I need to get to it)
--Council PTA meeting (the first since NOT being in charge of these--Ahhh.)
--Last day of lunch time activities for the Junior High (yet another place to use my birthday bullhorn)
--The Boy has football practice @ 4 (have to get him there)
--The Girl (and The Boy, save only for football practice) has Youth Court today
--I'm selling t-shirts for the High School at 6 PM before the
--High School football game at 7 PM.
Why do I do this to myself? I realize I am a volunteer. One of these days I'll get really good at saying "No, thanks!" In the meantime, I'm taking lunch in my bag today.
Here is what my day looks like today:
--A bulletin board build at the stake center for Young Women (I finally borrowed a key I need to get to it)
--Council PTA meeting (the first since NOT being in charge of these--Ahhh.)
--Last day of lunch time activities for the Junior High (yet another place to use my birthday bullhorn)
--The Boy has football practice @ 4 (have to get him there)
--The Girl (and The Boy, save only for football practice) has Youth Court today
--I'm selling t-shirts for the High School at 6 PM before the
--High School football game at 7 PM.
Why do I do this to myself? I realize I am a volunteer. One of these days I'll get really good at saying "No, thanks!" In the meantime, I'm taking lunch in my bag today.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Bravo, Sir!
Friends, just when I was feeling cynical and discouraged about the world we mive in, I heard about this story. It truly does a sour old heart good:
(from the Associated Press Updated 8/28/2011 12:03:51 PM)
FRESNO, Calif. — Some people give back to their community. Then there's Fresno County School Superintendent Larry Powell, who's really giving back. As in $800,000 — what would have been his compensation for the next three years.
Until his term expires in 2015, Powell will run 325 schools and 35 school districts with 195,000 students, all for less than a starting California teacher earns.
"How much do we need to keep accumulating?" asks Powell, 63. "There's no reason for me to keep stockpiling money."
Powell's generosity is more than just a gesture in a region with some of the nation's highest rates of unemployment. As he prepares for retirement, he wants to ensure that his pet projects survive California budget cuts. And the man who started his career as a high school civics teacher, who has made anti-bullying his mission, hopes his act of generosity will help restore faith in the government he once taught students to respect.
"A part of me has chaffed at what they did in Bell," Powell said, recalling the corrupt Southern California city officials who secretly boosted their salaries by hundreds of thousands of dollars. "It's hard to believe that someone in the public trust would do that to the public. My wife and I asked ourselves 'What can we do that might restore confidence in government?'"
Powell's answer? Ask his board to allow him to return $288,241 in salary and benefits for the next three and a half years of his term. He technically retired, then agreed to be hired back to work for $31,000 a year — $10,000 less than a first-year teacher — and with no benefits.
"I thought it was so very generous on his part," said school board member Sally Tannenbaum. "We get to keep him, but at a much lower rate."
His move was so low-key, his manner so unassuming, that it took four days after the school board meeting for word of his act to get out to the community. There were no press releases or self-congratulatory pats on the back.
"Things like this are what America is all about," said friend Alan Autry, Fresno's former celebrity mayor who played Capt. Bubba Skinner on the TV series "In the Heat of The Night."
"America is as much about overcoming obstacles in difficult times as it is opulence," Autry said. "This reminds me of the great sacrifices made throughout our history, especially the Great Depression."
No one has been more surprised about the positive reaction than Powell, a lifelong educator who didn't realize that what he did was newsworthy. He chuckles at his desk when yet another e-mail arrives from a colleague blown away by his generosity. Two days after word got out he had received 200 messages on his Facebook page.
"When you make good choices, good things happen to you," said Powell, who tends to talk in the kind of uplifting phrases that also make him a sought-after motivational speaker.
He even sees as an asset his childhood contraction of polio, which left him with a limp and a brace, and now a lingering post-polio syndrome. "It's the most spectacular thing that has happen to me in all my life," he said. "People stepped up to help me be successful."
Powell might credit others, but others say Powell's drive always has come from within. Despite the right leg brace and experimental operations to stop the growth of his healthy leg, he became a champion high school wrestler in Fresno and set a record for one of the most dreaded of all gym class drills — the 20-foot rope climb, which he completed in 1.8 seconds. Today he carries a six handicap in golf.
After moving into school administration he became deputy superintendent, and was appointed to his current job before running for the office in 2006.
The ordained Baptist minister, who serves on the board of a national anti-bullying group that sprang from the Columbine shootings, is so popular he even counts among his friends his contract bargaining nemesis, the former head of the employees' union.
"For a leader to step up to help the budget is phenomenal," said Mike Lepore. "It gives you hope. It gives you the feeling that everything is being done to try to make education work. It's Larry. It really is."
Powell will still earn a six-figure retirement, especially hefty by the standards of California's farming heartland. But because his salary comes out of the district's discretionary budget, for the next three years he'll be able to steer the money he is giving up where he wants: to programs for kindergarten and preschool, the arts and a pet project that steers B and C students into college by teaching them how to take notes and develop strategy skills.
"Our goal has never been to have things," Powell said of himself and his wife, Dot. "We want to give back."
BRAVO, Sir!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
What's The Deal With....
MILK?!
I mean, it is the first thing I need to go to the store for. We run out of milk before anything else. Why is that?
It is the one thing that never makes it to the "must sell by" date once it is in our fridge.
Why can't lunch meats, corn chips, condiments and Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll tubes ever go that quick?
Now, I am off to the store.
Can you guess what we need? Yeah. What's the deal with that?!
I mean, it is the first thing I need to go to the store for. We run out of milk before anything else. Why is that?
It is the one thing that never makes it to the "must sell by" date once it is in our fridge.
Why can't lunch meats, corn chips, condiments and Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll tubes ever go that quick?
Now, I am off to the store.
Can you guess what we need? Yeah. What's the deal with that?!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Saturday evening I got a call from a gentleman in our congregation. His wife, Carol, was scheduled to substitute for our Relief Society teacher on Sunday. However, Carol was 20 minutes away from an appendectomy. I could hear her over the phone giving him instructions to tell me things about the lesson. He was calling to see if I would substitute for the substitute. With less than 24 hours notice. Emergencies happen, though, and this is what we need to do.
The subject was The Miracle of the Atonement. It was a taken from a General Confernce talk by Elder C. Scott Grow. (Don'tcha just love that name?)
I'm just glad to be on the short list of those she felt comfortable to call on short notice to fill in. I love teaching, so this was a great opportunity. This topic is so vitally important to understand and comprehend. It went well, and I felt good about the lesson as I finished.
The subject was The Miracle of the Atonement. It was a taken from a General Confernce talk by Elder C. Scott Grow. (Don'tcha just love that name?)
I'm just glad to be on the short list of those she felt comfortable to call on short notice to fill in. I love teaching, so this was a great opportunity. This topic is so vitally important to understand and comprehend. It went well, and I felt good about the lesson as I finished.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
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