Pushed to Move

 A month or so ago I wrote about feeling nudges on my heart. I knew something was needing to change and I needed to do it.

Well, I have made those changes.

The 22nd of December I worked my last day at the Hyundai dealership where I had been doing three jobs: warranty administrator, cashier's office manager, administrative assistant to the service manager. I was there for 2.5 years.  I inherited a hot mess when I got into that place.  I left them an organized, cross-trained, competent team with expectations and goals set in place for them as a whole that maximizes the work we do to help the service department, and the dealership as a whole. I feel like the work I was there to do was done and I felt I was ready for a change.

Sadly, the timing wasn't exactly of my own choosing.  Coming off a three months past a positive Covid-19 test, I was still easily fatigued.  I couldn't get enough rest. I didn't have the energy to do much of anything else but get through the day at work, and then kept us clean and clothed and fed at home. I knew that was the catalyst to make the change. I had only thought I'd have another year or so to make that change.  The need I had to make adjustments and opportunities to recover made that change needed now, not later.

So the 23rd, I packed up my clothes and the handful of other things I knew I needed immediately and hit the road south. Hubz had already gone south on the Saturday before, so he was there already. Driving down alone was a release, a "pause" in my consciousness, and chance to recalibrate my thoughts. When I pulled in to the garage I felt a little lost, but had a feeling that things would soon settle and I was where I needed to be.

That doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty to be able to leave my life and hit a reboot for myself. I have dear friends who, I know, were sad and were going to miss me.  I had guilt about that. I was disappointing them by making this change. I was disappointing my boss by choosing to leave a job he appreciated me for doing. I was disappointing members of our congregation that enjoy my Sunday school classes each month. I was disappointing myself for thinking I didn't deserve this move and these changes. But I sure felt guilty about disappointing people.

Somehow I will work out this undeserved guilt about disappointment others, but that will take so much time. But in the mean time I will get my health back into my own hands. I will work out some physical exercise, some sleep patterns, some mental stability. I know that this is what my life needs to be in this moment. I won't be in this moment forever, but I need to make the best use of my time here while I'm in it. I will know when the next thing needs to happen and I will be ready.

Demoralized, Devalued, Demolished

 This week.  Well, It was a month-long kinds of week. I have had weeks that I ended my work feeling tired, but this week I felt tired to the core.  I felt demoralized in my efforts to do my work, thanks to coworkers, and especially customers.  I felt broken in my desires to get up and go again. I was absolutely disintegrated.

This past Thursday night I came home after having worked the fourth day that was more than 9 hours.  I had taken direct verbal beatings that day from more customers than I have fingers on my hands.  I heard coworkers in my building essentially tell me, to my face, that me and my team were below their notice in our importance to the success of the business. I was directly, personally confronted with a recently-made-senior coworker that was supposed to be home quarantining after direct Covid exposure but felt he was more important in his new position to show up anyway, in his basketball shorts and t-shirts only to come in the tiny lunchroom we have been mandated to use and sat directly next to me while I had 5 minutes to eat my lunch away from my desk. Several sales-based coworkers continued to drag unmasked clients and  their families through our service area as though we did not need to be equally protected from the potential exposure. We have 8 coworkers who currently are actively fighting this virus at home.

Perhaps, it was the worst day of my working life.

I felt devalued. I felt taken advantage of in my position. I felt very Mother-Bear regarding my own employees in that moment. I felt there was no reason to get up and do it again Friday morning.  What was the point?

That evening, feeling sorry for myself and severely undervalued in my work-life, I spoke with the Hubz before going to bed. Genius Golfer listened and then thought a moment and then told me I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and get back to work. Now, I was ANGRY on top of all the other feelings that night. I felt hurt by my primary champion and partner. I went to bed with tear in my eyes and fists of clenched anger. His words stung.  I really wanted to just have him tell me how right I was and how I didn't need to be there if they didn't appreciate what I did each day. Instead he told me something I didn't expect and I didn't want to hear.

I slept poorly that night.  I was tossing and turning.  I woke up several times before my alarm went off at 5AM. I drug myself into the shower and into an acceptable enough dress and grooming result to drag myself to a job I was less than satisfied with on Friday.

The things I went home thinking and feeling Thursday night, didn't magically disappear Friday morning at 6:30AM when I got busy doing what I do each morning at work.  I didn't get different feedback from customers the next day. I still had coworkers that were thoughtless and careless in regards to precautions for Coronavirus. I still felt I was unable to pay my team what I think they are worth monetarily.  Nothing really changed. But I was there.  I still showed up.  I still gave 100+% of my attention, energy and focus that day. 

I was there because it was the right thing to do. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway.

Maybe just showing up is the antidote to demoralization, and devaluation, and demolition. Just get through it. Just show up. Just keep trying.  It isn't easy. But maybe because I did it on Friday after the Thursday I had just had, it will feel easier to do when I have another day like that.  I am certain I will have that day, but I hope my fortitude practiced this week, will make the effort next time a little bit easier.

And....I'm Off

Today I begin a new chapter in my life.  Today I return to paid employment.  It is my first day on the job at a home health company that contracts with hospice service providers around here to provide medical equipment.  Simultaneously, the owner also runs two little shops that sell scrubs--like medical personnel wear.  And he also runs a small embroidery/silk screening company to put names on the scrubs--and most anything else.  Oh, and did I mention he was expanding to do home remodels and construction work--his primary vocation--for folks wishing to stay in their homes but needing accommodations for medical issues?

My job?  His "Girl-Friday", of sorts.  I'm to fill in the holes wherever they occur.

I will be training until graduation at the high school.  He is allowing me to fulfill my commitments there and is being incredibly flexible with my hours and training to do this.  Any other business would have been blind to that part of my life.  So. I am thrilled.  I hate not following through on something I said I'd do.

It is my first day today, so I don't have much more to tell you at this point.  But I know I have a lot to learn,
and much to do to get back in the game, as it were.  But I'll keep you posted.  And be sure to call me if you find yourself in the market for medical equipment, for you or a loved one.  Now, I know a guy.

A Sore Spot, Still

Last week while I was with The Girl in Logan, we had a luncheon with other "scholar" students and our table was hosted by current students in similar programs as the science-brainiacs at the table who are potential students this fall.  Int he course of introductions and first impressions, one of the student hosts was going around the table and introducing herself to the future-Aggies and their parents.  In the course of the circle around the table, this young women asked me my name--assuming I was The Girl's mom--and then asked "And what do you do?"

That question stumps me still.  What am I supposed to say?

I am a full time mother to two kids.

I am a nearly-full time volunteer in my local schools.

I am a devoted member of The Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I currently am fulfilling a calling to teach children every Sunday.

I am a wife of nearly 21 years to my husband.

I am a friend who cares for my friends and tries to serve them.

But, you and I both know, she really meant what kind of job do I have?  What does someone pay me to do?  What justifies my being?

When I told her I was a stay at home mom and PTA volunteer and leader--she immediately changed subjects and moved on to another topic of conversation.

Maybe I am overly sensitive on this at the moment because I have bee looking for a change in my "career".  Maybe I just miss the immediate answer of a job that I do.  Maybe I was just intimidated by the other parents who had career responsibilities that they shared at her questions as posed to them.

I realize that I should have to justify what I do, and I generally don't feel like I should have that justification.  But other days I sure feel it.  It stings and I wish I had a better answer, to be honest.  But I know being a full time mom--even to teenagers--is an important role.  Even if others don't consider it all that way all the time.

Win Some, Lose Some

I got an email that the position I interviewed for has been filled.  I didn't get a phone call to tell me I got the job, so I'm guessing it is not me.

That is OK.  I had a feeling, based on the questions that were asked in the interview, they already had a candidate in mind.  today at school, I learned that was indeed the case.

I just applied to the secretary spot--the secretary got the advocate's job--that just opened.  I figure something will come up that will at least get my foot in the door. 

I also just opened my application for teaching positions.  Man, there is a LOT of information they want that--for me--makes me want to find a time machine so I can recall what I did 20+ years ago.  I'm note sure I would ever really WANT to go back to teaching, but I would really like a job with benefits and still get to work with kids.  I know in a couple of years the assistant media center director will be retiring from our high school, and her job is a salaried position with benefits.  I'd love that one.  There was another junior high job--in another town--but I missed the window to apply for that one because I didn't have this "certified"; application finished yet.

So, my job hunt continues.  I have felt more settled that the right thing will come along.  I hope that means the right thing for Genius Golfer will come also.  He applied again to the university nearby.  We understand that it takes 5-6 applications before they really consider you for hiring.

Bad Answers

Okay, I just re-read what I wrote yesterday and realized I went against all I just had told you.  I applied for a job at the high school yesterday.  The job that I had just heard about last night that caused me immediate stomach squirming.  But after thinking about it all day, I think the immediate squirming sensation is from nerves.  The rest of the day I have been kind of excited about it.

I know I don't have a lock on this, but feel like it would be a good fit for me.  I enjoy the folks I'd be working with, and while I'd have preferred to work with (and learn from ) the gal that is leaving Monday I could get along there.  I will just have a LOT to learn!

And my PTA life will have to alter, I think.  I know some people can do it and work full time, and maybe there might be some room for concessions as I'll be at the high school already, but I don't want to take anything for granted. This might be the crisis for our board to step it up a bit more. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Did you hear that?  I sounded just like my mom.

I could have just as easily said "Fiddly-dee.  I think about that tomarrah."  But then I'd sound like Scarlett O'Hara and I don't generally do that.

Anyway.

I think The Boy and I have his schedule figured out for next year.  It is crazy to think he is going to be a junior.  I remember what Junior boys looked like--Keith, I am talking about you, and Kevin and Patrick, etc....and The Boy doesn't fit that in my head.  But it is hard for me to look at him and see beyond his little-boy expression or goofy accented voices he pulls for me.  His latest?  Bullwinkle, the Moose.  he had work to do on that one.

The Girl received another scholarship yesterday.  This was the one from a PGHS alum who also is a USU alum.  It is a $5,000, one-year non renewable, non-deferrable scholarship.  She did the math last night and figures the monetary value of the scholarships she has earned or received is close to $40K.  We are so blessed.  It is the perfect timing for that kind of blessing.  And she will do well with that kind of send off.  Tuition, books, housing, food and maybe a laptop or tablet computer will all be covered.

We are blessed.

And regardless of what comes with this job application, I feel a renewed hope that things will work out. They always have in the past.  We are doing what we feel the Lord wants us to do and striving to be obedient each day.  I know He blesses us and I know He has heard my prayers about our situation.  I read in the new Ensign yesterday a paragraph that struck me.  It says:

"...Now with that perspective I can look at difficulties with new understanding. I can see that God did provide miracles all along the way that have carried me through. He did not provide me with the miracles that I wanted; He provided me with the miracles that I needed."

Maybe this job opportunity is what I need, rather than what I want right now.   But either way, Iknow we are blessed.  And that is enough for now.

Back Into The Fray

Yesterday I filled out a job application online.  I have not filled out an application for many years.  But I applied for a non-teaching position at our high school.  The application process itself was a little unnerving.  It was all online, click the box or fill in the text box.  Makes me wonder if I have the chops to work full time anymore.

I just have to wait and see if I am called for an interview.  We'll see.  But I'm not holding my breath.

Speaking of Imaginary Jobs....

The night before last a PTA friend of mine, who knows the High School like the back of her hand, let me know that one of our lovely secretaries had left for another district.  My friend suggested I go talk with the assistant principal who would be hiring. This is a job that I had thought of about a year ago, but the chances of this lovely gal leaving us was slim to none.  I should have been more proactive.

Counseling office secretary--works directly with students, helps the counselors, helps with scholarship/college/etc issues for the students.  It was right up my alley.  Considering that I have had a few stressed out weeks worrying about money for the family, the timing would have been perfect.

I went in to speak with the assistant principal, and she told me they had just hired someone Tuesday.  Bummer.  I guess I'll just keep my eyes open and my options too, for that matter.  And maybe a little more faith in Genius Golfer's efforts.

But a job for me, after almost twenty years? Perhaps another time.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I think I have found my dream job.  Something I could be completely happy doing for years and year to come.  I'd like the job NBC Sports has given either Mary Carillo, their late night Olympics anchor, or Jimmy Roberts, the man-about-town for the Olympics.  I'm not picky.  Eitehr job would be great.  Maybe I could even be a two-for-one deal for NBC.

These veteran Olympic broadcasters file reports on everything from the back story of Oscar Pistorius, the South African double amputee who qualified for the semifinals in the  400 meter to a (brief) history of Hampton Court, once the palace of Henry VIII.

These two seem to be having as much fun as the athletes themselves.  They delve into the "behind the scenes" stories as well as the local history, culture and traditions.  This kind for job would be a perfect match for me.  Who do I need to talk to to work my way into that gig?

Somebody work on that, would ya?!

See the lists of video-stories these two have submitted so far:

Here for Mary

Here for Jimmy

Justification for Genius Golfer

Genius Golfer got word yesterday that the company he left the first week of October, has closed its doors.  And with no warning to the employees.  Just a regular Monday return to the office from the holiday weekend to no job.

He received a couple of texts, emails or Facebook notes telling him that he "got out when the getting was good".  One former co-worker congratulated him on "seeing the writing on the wall" when he did.

Not that GG was anxious to see his former colleagues loose their jobs, especially just as the holidays were beginning.  But as he quit, we talked about how long we thought the company could survive with the current leadership and management.  I gave it until the first quart of 2012.  He never put his finger on a date, but knew it would be soon.  We just didn't think it would be almost eight weeks after he quit.

Those that knew what they were doing will certainly find something else.  At least they were worth their paychecks.  Others, especially some of the executive team, may find something that pays them well, but they won't have learned much.  They will probably still go on to make their co-workers crazy and diminish their efforts, undermining the company's potential just like they were before.

But at least GG can say he "got out when the getting was good".  He is certainly sleeping better since that change.  And there is some justification and redemption in that.

How Many Teens Does It Take To Sweep The Patio?

Each morning of swim team, I try to go for an hour or so of Water Aerobics.    I've been doing this now since The Girl started swimming, so about 5 years or so.  I love it!  It is so nice to exercise without any pressure on my joints, and let's face it--the buoyancy of the water makes you feel as thin as you hope the exercise will make you.

Instead of extolling the benefits of such a workout, however, I would like to comment today on the inefficiency of the maintenance crew that works at the city pool while we are in the water.

I don't know how many people (read: teenagers) are hired to work maintenance at the pool each summer, but it is about 10 times too many.  I think the biggest problem with this crew is that they are left on their own too long without any supervisor, OR they have never been taught HOW to work.

I think that they are hired to do the following:  vacuum the carpeted areas and sweep the deck around the pool.  There are also some who pick up trash with little pinching tools that have long handles.  They are supposed to clean the dried on gum from the cement, and pull the trash out of the sand volleyball pit as well.  I occasionally see them sweeping the sidewalks out front of the pool entrance and building, so that must be some of their responsibility too.

Lifeguards they are NOT.  In fact, I know the Snack Shack girls have more hustle than they do too.  (Not that I am biased there, however.)

Today, we watched the City's Parks crew come in and mow the grass and then one adult with a leaf blower "swept" the entire eastern side of the deck in one pass.  While 9 kids with push brooms watched him.  Then they went back to carrying their brooms around, attempting half heartedly to look busy. I wanted to yell at them, "Uh, didn't your mother teach you that brooms work better when the brush part is against the ground?"

Holy cow.

One of the Water Aerobics patrons is neighbors to the head of the Parks & Recreation Director.  She told us that she emailed him to tell him that if the kids at the pool don't have enough work to really keep them busy, the fitness room inside the Recreation Center need some attention.  They could actually WORK.  Plus, if the city is in such dire financial straights maybe the 15 or so maintenance kids could be cut to the three boys that actually DO something (Yeah, I 'm talking about you, Spencer M, and the Cannon brothers!)

I know it is a thankless job.  It is a job that must be repeated every day--sweeping and vacuuming are do-overs every day the pool is in use.  But what kind of work ethic are these kids learning?  They can get a job--especially when I heard this week that the 16-19 year old unemployment irate in Utah is 26+ % (the highest in 40 years!)--when there aren't enough to go around, and then get paid to do apparently nothing. 

No wonder so many kids applied to work at the pool.  Word must get around.  And I'd guess it gets out from the kids not actually working but getting paid to spread the word.

New Job

Aren't you glad this is NOT the way things really work....or maybe I am being overly simple minded. It's been a while since I went job hunting, I am pleased to remember.

Genius Golfer begins his new job tomorrow. We are excited about the possibilities. I am not, however excited to learn yet another insurance plan. However after the month I have had dealing with medical things, I might be more adept at this insurance thing that previously believed. Let's cross our fingers, shall we, for both of us.

Grateful and Blessed

Genius Golfer was on the phone when I got home yesterday from a PTA meeting, the school Book Fair, a Young Women project prep errand, and getting the little zippy car filled with gas. As he got off, he told me that he had a job. He interviewed on Tuesday with a committee from a local online retail company--no MLM this time--and while I was gone yesterday they called him back and asked of r a second interview which he went to and by the time I was getting home they had called to hire him. He starts the job today!

The Boy has been so determined, especially in the last week or so, praying that Dad will "get a job he likes and that will support our family". The Girl too, but not with quite so many details. Sunday we fasted as a family that something would be offered this week. I felt a little weird setting a time frame for God, but He listened and, better yet, answered within that requested time.

I am just so grateful today for the guidance we'd been given for months and month and years and years to get out of debt, pay off your homes, and save a little for a rainy day. I appreciate the blessing of having food storage in the basement and a freezer full of meat and the knowledge that my children will not go hungry while we weather this storm. I am most grateful for a dear husband who always finds a way to take care of us, no matter what.

When The Girl was first born and I quit my job to be home with her, GG worked three jobs to cover the loss of my income and to keep us in our same little house. (He has insisted that we will stay in this house so our children will live in the same place until they have graduated from high school.)

One of his three jobs back then was at a place called Auto Meter. It was just a two minute walk from our front door. We saved on gas, car costs, and commute time--at least with this job. It was mindless work assembling gauges for a variety of specialized vehicles.

This new job is in the very same building. Now it is called Costume Craze, and though he is not assembling costumes, though if he needed to, he probably could figure that out too. He is getting to just program. No babysitting other programmers, and no management crap to deal with either. He sounds relieved to just get to do the kind of job he loves.

I am very sure that others have had more difficult situations to endure. Ours was challenging, but not debilitating. I have been more stressed these last four months than I remember being since both kids were under the age of 2. But this challenging time was a way to see blessings I hadn't recognized before for me. The kids have cherished having their dad home and able to see them at school things, or weekends, or days off. They have loved it and have soaked up every minute. I have enjoyed having the chance to chat during the day with him, eat lunch with him at home, take him to the grocery store--well, a few times anyways. We have had time to serve Dear Friend Tammy and her husband, Mr. Rick. We couldn't have done that any other way.

I am also grateful for each of you that has had something kind or encouraging to say. The smiles and understanding looks have meant a lot to me as we hung in there waiting. Thank you for your care and support.

Mostly I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who hears and answers prayers, even if it isn't necessarily the way or time frame I would have wanted at first.

Lift Me Up and Calm Me Down

As some of you may know, Genius Golfer has been unemployed since last Wednesday. We knew it would be coming and were prepared, mostly, but I wanted to just thank all of you that have had uplifting words for me or thoughts that particularly calmed my wildly racing "what-if" mind.

We have savings stashed away and can live on that for a good while. The insurance was my biggest worry, but Dear Friend Kelly told me about a "major medical coverage" that is reasonably priced for individuals to carry, so that should be taken care of by next week. We have followed the counsel from the church to stay out of debt, so that is not the problem either. We have food storage to eat, and it is for just this sort of thing, so we won't starve. All in all, we can basically continue as we have all along.

GG doesn't have any plans at the moment. But he has played some of the best golf of his recent life in the past week. Must be the decrease in stress. He also tells me that he is sleeping so much better! Glad one of us is.

I just have an overactive worry-center in my mind. I think of things that could possibly happen, even far-fetched things that may or may not come along, but I worry about all those things. This is where good friends like you come in and save me. I have had some burger-therapy with Good Friends who tell me we are in good shape, and to trust GG and to trust the Lord. Things will be OK. When other people reinforce what I am trying to tell myself, I tend to listen to them (at least for the moment) a lot better than I hear myself.

I'll keep you all posted on the situation, but just know how much I appreciate the comfort and encouragement you offer as my friends. We WILL be fine. Just let me keep repeating that to myself and then you second that thought and I should begin to feel it too. I hope. Soon.