Demoralized, Devalued, Demolished

 This week.  Well, It was a month-long kinds of week. I have had weeks that I ended my work feeling tired, but this week I felt tired to the core.  I felt demoralized in my efforts to do my work, thanks to coworkers, and especially customers.  I felt broken in my desires to get up and go again. I was absolutely disintegrated.

This past Thursday night I came home after having worked the fourth day that was more than 9 hours.  I had taken direct verbal beatings that day from more customers than I have fingers on my hands.  I heard coworkers in my building essentially tell me, to my face, that me and my team were below their notice in our importance to the success of the business. I was directly, personally confronted with a recently-made-senior coworker that was supposed to be home quarantining after direct Covid exposure but felt he was more important in his new position to show up anyway, in his basketball shorts and t-shirts only to come in the tiny lunchroom we have been mandated to use and sat directly next to me while I had 5 minutes to eat my lunch away from my desk. Several sales-based coworkers continued to drag unmasked clients and  their families through our service area as though we did not need to be equally protected from the potential exposure. We have 8 coworkers who currently are actively fighting this virus at home.

Perhaps, it was the worst day of my working life.

I felt devalued. I felt taken advantage of in my position. I felt very Mother-Bear regarding my own employees in that moment. I felt there was no reason to get up and do it again Friday morning.  What was the point?

That evening, feeling sorry for myself and severely undervalued in my work-life, I spoke with the Hubz before going to bed. Genius Golfer listened and then thought a moment and then told me I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and get back to work. Now, I was ANGRY on top of all the other feelings that night. I felt hurt by my primary champion and partner. I went to bed with tear in my eyes and fists of clenched anger. His words stung.  I really wanted to just have him tell me how right I was and how I didn't need to be there if they didn't appreciate what I did each day. Instead he told me something I didn't expect and I didn't want to hear.

I slept poorly that night.  I was tossing and turning.  I woke up several times before my alarm went off at 5AM. I drug myself into the shower and into an acceptable enough dress and grooming result to drag myself to a job I was less than satisfied with on Friday.

The things I went home thinking and feeling Thursday night, didn't magically disappear Friday morning at 6:30AM when I got busy doing what I do each morning at work.  I didn't get different feedback from customers the next day. I still had coworkers that were thoughtless and careless in regards to precautions for Coronavirus. I still felt I was unable to pay my team what I think they are worth monetarily.  Nothing really changed. But I was there.  I still showed up.  I still gave 100+% of my attention, energy and focus that day. 

I was there because it was the right thing to do. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway.

Maybe just showing up is the antidote to demoralization, and devaluation, and demolition. Just get through it. Just show up. Just keep trying.  It isn't easy. But maybe because I did it on Friday after the Thursday I had just had, it will feel easier to do when I have another day like that.  I am certain I will have that day, but I hope my fortitude practiced this week, will make the effort next time a little bit easier.

Signs of Age

This past week was one of gaining personal recognition and gratitude for miracles given by priesthood blessing.  You may not know but I work at a place that does medical equipment for hospice patients--a hospice nurse calls us and orders a hospital bed, wheelchair, etc. and our drivers deliver it to the patient.  But this week, I felt like the tables got turned and I was nearly the patient.

Tuesday I went to work like normal but sometime that morning I saw a wheelchair in the warehouse that wasn't where it was supposed to be.  So I bent over it and had every intention of lifting it up tot he shelf where it belonged.  Just as I began to lift, I heard/felt a ripping--much like when you tear paper towels apart.  It instantly caused me to drop the chair where it was before.  I felt horrible.  I have told the drivers to be careful how they lift things all the time--use your legs!--and here I did exactly the opposite of my own advice.  I thought "how dumb?!" and figured I would have to tough it out.  But the longer I stayed at work--I had two weeks of embroidery I was hoping to catch up on--the worse I felt.  It wasn't just tenderness.  It was really sore and the pain started shooting down my left leg. I began to worry that I had bulged a disc out of my spine, or worse --whatever might be worse?! I had texted my husband to come straight to my office to give me a blessing--thinking he would be home sooner than I'd be done.  But by 3:00 he hadn't responded yet, so in desperation, I asked my boss and a co-worker to give me a blessing before I went home. 

Luckily, for me, I do work with a bunch of returned missionaries and these two men were available and ready to do this for me.  One did the anointing and then my boss gave me a blessing.  It wasn't a blessing for instant healing, but one that promised me no major damage had occurred, but that I had to do what I could to make things better for myself too. In the blessing he told met hat I would be able to find relief as I took myself out of situations that caused me stress.  That I would be able to find relief from mediation and help from resting my body.  It was a comfortable feeling as he finished.  I knew it wasn't going to be well instantly, but that I would eventually be fine.

By the time I got home, I was hurting SO bad that I couldn't take my own shoes off.  I laid myself over the yoga ball in the family room.  I was relieved by stretching my back around the ball, but then I couldn't get up by myself once I was done laying over it.  I finally took a big ibuprofen and an old generic a pain killer left over from a  dental visit or something years ago--and went to bed very early.  The next morning I couldn't get out of bed. My husband told me to get into the doctor, maybe he cold prescribe a muscle relaxer and something for the pain.  I called the office about 9 AM but the scheduling secretary wasn't available--so I left a message.  My doctor was the Urgent Care guy that day, so the scheduler for the office told me to come on in.  I did as quickly as I could and once there, I had to wait for about 30 minutes.  I was standing then tried sitting, but either position was horrendously painful.  I was close to tear as I felt the muscle in my back spazaming and causing pain down my leg.  Finally I got in to see the Doctor and laid myself across the exam table to relieve the pressure on my lower back. When he finally came in, he tried applying pressure in a couple of spots on my back and sent me through the ceiling a couple times.  He quickly prescribed a muscle relaxer, a steroid, a pain killer and double checked that I had a 800 mg Ibuprofan to take.  He also gave me a referral to a physical therapist.

I got home after dropping off the prescriptions and immediately laid on the bed.  I called the physical therapist's office and they had a cancellation that afternoon, so I took it.  The therapist ended up being the same guy that worked on my shoulder after I did that surgery back in 2006, Chad. He started me off with some STEM and heat.  15 minutes of that was the best I'd felt for nearly 2 days.  Then he came in and did some stretching and massaged on the area.  Then put me on a ice pack and sent me home with some small exercises I need to do to not only heal my hurting back, but to strengthen the lower interior ab muscles that support my back too. 

I took the meds that my hubz had picked up for me and went to bed. I slept through the night and then most of Thursday too.  I was in bed nearly all the day--only moving to do the exercises and go to the bathroom.  I haven't slept that long--or that well--in ages.  I was careful to take the meds are prescribed and I started to believe that I might live. 

I woke up Friday feeling better than I had all week. I went to work, on the meds, but I knew I couldn't lift or man-handle things in the warehouse, or the UPS or FedEx shipments, etc.  I was even very careful how I was sitting at my desk, or getting up and down from the chair or the embroidery machines.  I worked a full day and went hoe about 4:30 or so.  I did have to ask for help a few times, but I know that it is OK to ask for help when you need it.

Now, I know that some of the relief I have felt comes directly from the medications the doctor ordered, and other relief may have come from the electrical impulses from the STEM, or the heat and ice.  While I do think those were all helpful, I have a strong feeling that the priesthood blessings was what has helped me get back to "nearly normal" this fast.  I know the Lord cares about my health and the functionality of my body as it is necessary to my work.  I know that He can bless me to be healed in an instant.  But this time I needed to feel some understanding for people who do live in pain.  Luckily for me, He also knows me enough to know that too much demanded patience would put me over the top.  He has begun this process of healing for me, but is giving me the time to learn to be more compassionate to others and to my own self--where my body isn't doing things as fast as I'd like.

This healing process will be steady and over a longer period of time that just a few days, but I'm on the mend and getting back to what I do every day.  Simply getting out of bed without help is a plus.  Being able to tie my shoes or pick up something on the floor is a big deal after how badly I hurt last week.  So that was the extent of my story this week.  I wish we could arrange a few days of bed rest to just catchup on sleep every couple of months or so, but that isn't real life.  I am grateful for the rest I've had and for the relief the meds and the therapy have given me.  Now to do the hard work of remembering these little exercises and condition my back muscles and core muscles to avoid this again.

 

Getting older really sucks.

That is Nice to Know

One of my coworkers told me the nicest thing today.  He was on a job site, and I generally handle his schedule (assessments, bids, jobs, etc.) plus do the ordering for him and the various projects he has set up.  He called today to check in and give me an update and while he was on the phone, he told me that he just relaxes when I'm in the office.  He said he feels like everything will be OK if I am the one answering the phone.

That's nice. I am not sure what it really means, but I 'm taking it as a compliment. 

Our two cubes sit next to each other and usually when he is talking schmack in the office it is under his breath just loud enough to entertain me.  And that I enjoy immensely.

For whatever reason, I do enjoy working with men, and the ladies I work with as not a problem--but there is always an added layer of drama with women.  It doesn't matter what kind of work I have done in my life--women just bring the drama levels up.

So at my office now, I primarily work with men, but there are a couple of ladies that are there too.  We all get along well enough.  But the gus are easier to deal with.

Plus, when they say nice things, I can appreciate that even more.

It's A Process

This week has been incredibly busy at work.  Monday our new office lady started.  Eventually she will be the full time gal and I'll go back to PT and filling in.  I can't wait.

So far, she already is showing more gumption than I expected.  She will be a great fit.  She is already making herself at home--and by that I mean she was singing along to her Pandora Disney station today in a voice loud enough you could hear her throughout the office.

She caught up all the "to do piles" for me already.  I had some things that I showed her how to do once, she asked a few questions throughout and she was off and running.  I was struggling by the end of the day to keep ahead of her.  Eventually, she caught me and I had nothing else to give her to do.  she took over the phones and the routing/dispatching of the drivers already.  This is going to be awesome.

I've been at this job for over a year already, and I still feel a little intimidated by some attitudes that flare up at time.  I'm such an "avoid confrontation at all costs" personality that I've just learned to roll with it.  She doesn't put up with much.  She'll be kind but she is no shrinking violet.  That is awesome.

I may end up being just an on-call embroidery lady, a go-between for the scrub stores, and a paperwork/data entry pusher for our Home Solutions end.  That would be really awesome.

In the meantime, the drivers are in good hands.  She is a chatterer, but a dependable worker too.  She is a natural on the phone.  She'll be just fine.  Awesome.