Lingering

 I haven't written since Covid-19 struck me.  I was in bed for 2 weeks, and then I thought I was bouncing back.  But it was a lie.

I have never been so tired.  The tiredness is physical but it is emotional and mental too. I'm disappointed that this is a different recovery than I had in mind.  I like to think of myself as one who stays healthy until I'm not then bounces back as soon as the worst is over.  I haven't really been a sicky person and I haven't ever felt like I was a whiner. But this recovery has made me a whiner, for sure. I do not feel like myself and when you add the yo-yo societal situation the world is in, the political mud fight we've been living in, and the silly putty stretching and pulling and balling up of my psyche in the last eight months, I think I have officially lost it.

I don't like this feeling.

Today is the day after the election. There is no outright winner.  There is definitely no out right victory for America, so far as I can see. I AM worried about the world and the situation we've worked ourselves into. We worry about how people can thoughtlessly treat others with anger and hatred and not see the error in their ways.  I worry about neighbors who are so offended by someone's "differentness" that violence and degradation are somehow okay. I worry that the polarization in our country, our state, our county, our community has become a chasm that cannot be bridged.  I see immediate conflict in even my little neighborhood--new business versus neighbors --that has made an ugly turn.  My heart is hurting for all of this.

I really don't like that feeling.

I have dear friends who have so much hurt and mistrust and resentment within their families that it is manifesting in detrimental health disasters and physical pain and damage.  Distancing in situations like this is far harder than social distancing. I cannot find a solution for any of it. I hurt for my friends and I hurt for their families and I feel hurt I felt years ago from hurts in my own family that I thought I had purged from my life. 

I can't stand that feeling.

The world is a dumpster fire. and I'm standing by with no tools in my hands and no thoughts of how to find a tool to fix anything. I try to heal myself with positive thoughts and messages that I attempt to share on social media that I keep hoping helps something. But I can't see anything improving. I can't feel anything but is changing for the better. I can't see a way out.

I HATE that feeling.

What a depressing post this has become.  I feel so out of control of my own life.  Maybe everyone feels like that right now.  Maybe tomorrow the feeling will pass. Maybe it won't. I just keep going and imagining things will improve, but I don't know anymore.

But I have hope. It's fleeting but it fleets in and out. Maybe tomorrow the fleeting in will last longer than the out. That is what I am counting on.  Each day a little more hope.  Each day after that a little more.

Maybe that is all I need. Maybe that is all I can do. and Maybe that is a feeling I can live with right now.

The Struggles Are Real, People

It's July already.  My last entry was May.  That is no okay, people.  I feel like my life gets sucked away as fast as I get it some days.

I want to believe that life is getting better as I age--you know, like aged beef, or cheese.  But what I know is that my eyesight is fading--though, thank you glasses--who EVER thought I'd say that?!?  I know that my mind finally feels like its my own again and that very moment my body revolts and I feel decades older than I am chronologically.  Then, I make some changes to my diet, sleep, vitamins, you name it, and my mind is instantly scrambled.

I know that parenting never ends.  Even when I think I'm through the wicked wood of preschool years, the fluster of elementary school, the torment of junior high and the angsty kerfulffle of high school,  I'm now the parent of two young adults.  and they behave--some days--like they did as preschoolers, at least their thought process.  The only thing that is keeping my parenting head above water is knowing their frontal lobes aren't fully developed until about 25.  Luckily for me, they seem to be taking turns in this relm.  But the fight inside me is real.  Life lessons are hard to watch fromteh sidelines, knowing fullwell what is waiting around the corner that they cannot see.  I had no idea that becoming a life-longparent is equal parts heart breaking and awe insiring.

I know that things will get better.  Some day.  One of these days.  But the days and nights until that happens give my mind timet o worry, imagine the worst and blame myself for mistakes--honest, didn't-know-any-better, parenting goofs.  I also know I am not a perfect parent--but I know I am doing the best I can.  It doesn't make it easier.

I know that my faces shows me new wrinkles when I start to discover I am still fighting pimples.  What?!?  That makes me understand the confusion is as real to me as I feel it is for everyone else.  Skin care and parenting--who knew they were so interrelated?! Argh.

But I also know, undoubtably, that parenting the two children I was blessed to have in my life, is the greatest worthwhile challenge I will ever have.  I know that God loved these two kids before I ever thought of them. And He loves them now. Still. When I am dropped to my knees, not knowing what to do or how to help them, I know I can pray and have a loving perfect, Heavenly Father guide me as I try to parent His children, albeit imperfectly, on earth.

When I stop and think about who these two kids of mine are really, and Whose they are, I'm humbled and grateful and ready to give it all another go--no matter how my heart is aching (because of them, or for them). I'm grateful I'm not doing this by myself but that I have a partner who will share the burden and celebrate the joy.  Together.  That is what this whole struggle is--an attempt to be together forever.

It is the hardest, sweetest, most frustrating, most exhilerating experience of my mortal life.  That is what it was meant to be.  Knowing what I know, why does these bumps and dips surprise me so much?  You expect the big drop as you ascend on a clickety roller coaster.  Family life is no different.  Except the clickety sounds aren't always there in the trials and struggles to help you anticipate the joys and thrill of the descent.

And the thrills and joys are as real, and luckily, more everlasting than the struggles.  If that wasn't true every child would be an only child.  Who would do this again without a little payout once in a while?  The trouble comes when the struggles and trials and challenges cloud your memory and you loose sight of those blessed moments of wonder and thrill and exhileration.

At least I know the ride-loading drill: "Keep your hand and arms inside the ride until it comes to a full and complete stop". If I'm still moving, the ride isn't over yet.  And that gives me the hope to wait out the cloudy bits and the tear filled view of what is coming.  It will be OK.  It will BE okay. It WILL be okay.

That much I know.

What a Week; Let's Not Repeat This One

I am usually better at getting something posted more often than once a week, but this particular week was at least a month or more long.   I'm so tired.  I'm so tired.  I'm so tired.

I even took the day off yesterday to attend the funeral of a very dear friend's mother.  I was going to go back to work after the service, but my boss told me to just take the day and do what I needed to do.  Good thing, as I am not feeling like myself.

Thursday was one of the worst days I have had at work.  From the moment I walked in things just went south.  I realized I didn't need it.  I recognized that I don't really feel any joy in my work.  And I was just moments away from quitting.  I am not helping the company on weeks I feel like this.  And I am not really helping my family being at work.

The last time I remember feeling like this was shortly after The Boy was born.  I am sure it is some sort of depression, but not serious enough to medicate or see anyone about it. I just need to suck it up and snap out of it.  I keep telling myself these kind of bumper sticker psychology.  So far, it isn't helping.

In reality, I was more than tempted to get in the car and drive to see my parents.  I haven't been home in over three years.  And while I have seen them--for about a week on our Alaska trip--going home would be a welcomed refuge just now.  But I don't have time, since I have to work Monday.

Maybe this is all part of letting go of The Girl as she leave for her mission.  But I really don't think so.  I'm happy for her to do that.  I know it is the right thing to do.

Part of what I feel is affecting me is that I have lost a built in support group of girlfriends.  I am not in a presidency to work with together; I am no longer on the PTA board of The Boy's school (I'm just supposed to be a happy helper); I don't' even have a teaching partner in Primary.  Genius Golfer is working and if not working, he is golfing or helping The Boy golf.  They are gone a lot.  The Girl just spent a week in Vegas with a friend and her family and today she is at Lagoon with her work friends.  My friends in town are busy moms with things to do on the weekend.  I can't take them from their families on weekends.

Luckily these kind of days don't happen often.  But I am just so tired.  I'm tired of the housework I see piling up around me, the yard work that I can't begin to handle and the guilt I feel with all the work I see and can't catch up on.

Here's hoping for a nap.  A very long nap.

Stop The World! I Want To Get Off

While my blogging has waned this week due to some server issues at home, my mind has been going crazy.  I made the mistake of reading several articles--based only on very vague titles--and then discovered, to my dismay, that the conclusions made me discouraged and depressed.

The biggest depression-causing article was a report of a study done by a Canadian psychiatric doctor.  In his studies of pedophiles over many years,  his conclusion was that these people had an inborn sexual orientation making them attracted sexually to children.  So his study concluded that, like society's acceptance of homosexual lifestyle choices, those who have a predetermined orientation toward sex with children will likely be active in changing society's idea of this begin "not their fault" and eventually accept their behavior.

Oh my. Talk about justification for criminal behavior!  That conclusion made me feel physically ill.

The story about the deal made for the Idaho POW's release made me flip out too--especially as more details have come to light.  At first, like everyone else in America, I was thrilled this guy was coming home.  Then as details of the story expanded and his willful desertion of his unit and the real cost of what was given up to release him was explored, I was more and more angry about it.  I felt that knot in my stomach and seething anger.

What happened to the pride from being in the military?  What about a love of your country?  UGH!

Then yesterday, I heard the reports of the university shooting in Seattle.  How many times does something like this have to happen before people come to alternative ways of expressing themselves?  I have no real interest in owning guns myself, but I certainly don't blame guns for violence in this country.  They are inanimate objects with a potential for danger--just like a car or power tools.  How we use the objects determines their danger in reality.




There was a time I considered myself  a "news junkie".  But anymore, I find I am making a conscience effort to NOT watch the news or listen to talk radio or even read more than the local stuff in the paper.  It all just makes me sad.  We live in beautiful world, and yet it is filled with so much dishonesty, hatred and violence.  When I think too long about things like these, I find myself sliding into a dark deep hole of negativity.  It is hard to pull out of, to be honest.  And yet, I know there is much more good in the world--if we only heard of it in its proper proportion.  That disproportional reporting of world events makes me sad too.  How blood thirsty has the human race become?

I keep the thought in my heart that the Second Coming of the Savior cannot be too far off, considering the deterioration of the earth.  And even knowing the prophesied events that have to happen for that to start, I would still rather be "twinkled or burned" myself, just to end the horrible things that people do to one another in general.

Makes me just want to run away from reality.  I guess that is what novels and movies are for.  at least, for a little while--until the hopelessness goes away.

A Book and Plan, Suggested

Has anyone read the book "The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want" by Sonya Lyubormirsky?  A friend recommended it to me after she gave me permission to feel depressed until Thanksgiving.  I'm thinking about hunting it down, just to see what it says.

The other information this insightful friend gave me was a series of "Happiness Strategies".  Dr. Dean Barley from BYU had spoke at their RS activity the night before I saw her and all this information was in the front of her thoughts.  The strategies her suggeted nclude:

1) Gratitude strategies: think of someone to whom you have never expressed full thanks, write it all out, read that to them face to face with eye contact, let them react unhurriedly, write down three things for which you are grateful daily and their causes, discuss blessing with a  partner

2) Cultivating optimism: speak to my self like to would to a friend, be factually correct, look for evidence, seek other possible explanations and contributing factors

3) Avoid over thinking and social comparison (Rumination):self-distraction with positive activities

4) Practicing acts of kindness: combats compassion fatigue

5) Nurturing relationships show interest and encouragement, self-disclosure, express affection and admiration, affirm their successes, loyalty, reciprocate favors

6) Coping strategies: social support, finding meaning by talking and writing, absorb self in activities that change the brain state

7) Forgiveness: (REACH) Recall, Empathy, Altruistic gift of forgiveness, Commit, Hold onto forgiveness

8) Flow: task that is challenging and require skills, concentration, clear goals, immediate feedback, deep effortless involvement, sense of control, sense of self vanished, time stops

9) Savoring: pleasures need to be spread out over time and varied, shared with someone, look forward to it, reminisce

10) Goals: make adequate preparation by setting clear specific goals, go public with them, reduce triggers and increase reminders, track progress, use rewards, build a support system to help

11) Practicing religion and spirituality: do something that improves your relationship with God


12) Take care of your body: appropriate fitness, nutrition, sleep, laughter, and meditation

This sounds like a great plan.  And I think I'll get right on it starting Monday.

At Least It's Friday

It's is Friday and that is best thing I can say today.  I growled at The Girl this morning when she opted to sleep in (she didn't have class until 9) so I had to take The Boy to school (in my bathrobe) and then I came home and went back to bed where I slept until 11 AM.  What is wrong with me? 

Based on family history, this is the beginning of clinical depression.  But knowing we are being released on Sunday, I think it is just regular old depression...but I could be wrong.  I just feel listless and without energy.

A friend gave me permission to feel like this for a month, after I told her that I'll snap out of it after Sunday.  At least with the permission, I can cut the guilt a little bit.  But I still feel a little bit lost.  I crossed off several things on my calendar today, knowing it isn't my job anymore to do them...things that last Sunday we were planning on doing.  Now we aren't.

I'll be fine, but I am not a big fan of change generally, and even less so when it is change I have to deal with directly.  I'll be fine.  I keep telling myself that hoping at some point I'll believe it.

In a Funk

Today I woke up and felt like I had the "blahs".  I thought I'd feel better as I went about my day.  But so far, not so much.  I am not sure if I am coming down with something, or if I need a therapist.  Probably both.

And it is only Wednesday.

Oh, and as PS to yesterday's post:  The charter school who was offering "swag" to students who registered before Sept 28th (and, according to their website as of yesterday, only had to be in school there until October 5th) has changed the wording of their offer as of today.  Guess what?!?  That October 5th dates is now removed.  What a surprise.  Not.

What He Said

"If the US Government was a family, they would be making $58,000 a year, they spend $75,000 a year, & are $327,000 in credit card debt. They are currently proposing BIG spending cuts to reduce their spending to $72,000 a year. These are the actual proportions of the federal budget & debt, reduced to a level that we can understand." - Dave Ramsey

Finally, a scenario that makes the federal budget fiasco make total sense to me.  I mean, I got it that the government was spending more than it made, and was in debt to it's eyeballs, but this cleared everything for me.

My family can't survive with that kind of behavior.  Can yours?  Yet, I know there are people that live like that--maybe not the same kind of ratios of income to debt, but they live beyond their means.  And who ends up paying for that irresponsibility?  All of us.

It makes me crazy...and a more than a little depressed.  It is like looking across the grand canyon and wanting to get across with only flip flops on my feet.  It is seemingly impossible.  That is depressing.

Mid-December's Holiday Funk

I don't know; it might just be me.  But I am feeling some of the holiday blues today.  Nothing is really going on to feel that.  I have things meant for Christmas done and prepared, so it isn't the worry of procrastination. 
The tree is up and the music is on and the baking is on-going and the kids are happy and it is the last week of school before the break.  It just feel like a combination of disappointment and discouragement.  A let-down of sorts.

As I think of what I'd like Christmas to be for my kids, for my family, I can see it will never be the big, built-up, magical event I wish it could be.  Now, logically I know that it really doesn't matter--after all it is just another day on the calendar, but with layers of meaning and hopes of feelings attached.

Maybe that is the problem:  there are expectations I hold in my heart that I don't see matched up with reality.

I hope it is just a passing wave of emotion.  I'd feel guilty if I kept this little dark cloud overhead the next two weeks.  I make a pretty good Negative-Nancy or Debbie-Downer when I feel like this.

But the calendar is thinning out and the option to do more as a family is coming into focus as Genius Golfer should have sometime off beginning this week sometime and going through the end of the year.  (Vacation time, he was told this year, 'Use it or loose it'.) He has worked so much--a lot of long, long days-- the last several weeks we have hardly seen him and have had even less chance to talk with him.  I am sure that is part of what I am feeling.  I haven't even chatted with him about what the plan is for the holiday, or for the travel we are hoping to make, or even for the surprises he always comes up with for the kids.

I guess I need to get a move on and work myself out of the funk.  I have already cleaned the stove top, the deep fryer, laundry is halfway done for today, and the car is loaded with recycling, DI donations, and stuff to return to friends just waiting to be taken where they need to go.  I've even got a grocery list and plans to make that jaunt out today too.  Not bad when it is early out day for the kids, and my work day is reduced one hour of "alone-time".

Don't worry about this.  I am sure it will pass. At least the sun is shining and the roads are dry and the little car is waiting for me in the garage, and the Jason, the body shop guy, called Friday and said they were prepping the Durango for final paint, so I should have it Wednesday or so.  All these are good things.  I can put off my internal struggle a little longer, and work it out of my system.  Things will feel merry and bright again soon.