Lingering

 I haven't written since Covid-19 struck me.  I was in bed for 2 weeks, and then I thought I was bouncing back.  But it was a lie.

I have never been so tired.  The tiredness is physical but it is emotional and mental too. I'm disappointed that this is a different recovery than I had in mind.  I like to think of myself as one who stays healthy until I'm not then bounces back as soon as the worst is over.  I haven't really been a sicky person and I haven't ever felt like I was a whiner. But this recovery has made me a whiner, for sure. I do not feel like myself and when you add the yo-yo societal situation the world is in, the political mud fight we've been living in, and the silly putty stretching and pulling and balling up of my psyche in the last eight months, I think I have officially lost it.

I don't like this feeling.

Today is the day after the election. There is no outright winner.  There is definitely no out right victory for America, so far as I can see. I AM worried about the world and the situation we've worked ourselves into. We worry about how people can thoughtlessly treat others with anger and hatred and not see the error in their ways.  I worry about neighbors who are so offended by someone's "differentness" that violence and degradation are somehow okay. I worry that the polarization in our country, our state, our county, our community has become a chasm that cannot be bridged.  I see immediate conflict in even my little neighborhood--new business versus neighbors --that has made an ugly turn.  My heart is hurting for all of this.

I really don't like that feeling.

I have dear friends who have so much hurt and mistrust and resentment within their families that it is manifesting in detrimental health disasters and physical pain and damage.  Distancing in situations like this is far harder than social distancing. I cannot find a solution for any of it. I hurt for my friends and I hurt for their families and I feel hurt I felt years ago from hurts in my own family that I thought I had purged from my life. 

I can't stand that feeling.

The world is a dumpster fire. and I'm standing by with no tools in my hands and no thoughts of how to find a tool to fix anything. I try to heal myself with positive thoughts and messages that I attempt to share on social media that I keep hoping helps something. But I can't see anything improving. I can't feel anything but is changing for the better. I can't see a way out.

I HATE that feeling.

What a depressing post this has become.  I feel so out of control of my own life.  Maybe everyone feels like that right now.  Maybe tomorrow the feeling will pass. Maybe it won't. I just keep going and imagining things will improve, but I don't know anymore.

But I have hope. It's fleeting but it fleets in and out. Maybe tomorrow the fleeting in will last longer than the out. That is what I am counting on.  Each day a little more hope.  Each day after that a little more.

Maybe that is all I need. Maybe that is all I can do. and Maybe that is a feeling I can live with right now.

#52 Stories--Story # 37

How has society's view of fathers and fatherhood changed throughout your life? What do you think of these changes?  

Sadly today's world sees fathers as unnecessary and of little worth more often than not. So many children as being born without a father in their homes--or even in their lives. women think they want to have a baby without a committed partner and technology and medical science can make that happen without too much trouble.  Societal norms don't even look think twice any more of unwed mothers raising a baby on their own. In many parts of society men are berated generally, and dismissed as know-nothings or superfluous and they don't even have a chance to participate in a child's life.

Luckily, we know that is not the way it should be, and it isn't the best situation of family life and children specifically. The Church's Proclamation to the World: The Family document clearly defines the need for father and the ideal of a father and mother committed to each other in a covenant marriage with the Lord, thereby establishing families by bearing and raising children together. The roles of mothers and fathers are different but complementary, together making up an equal partnership caring for the needs for their family. That is the ideal. Loving committed parents who love and teach and protect their children.

I feel very blessed to grow up in a family that followed the model fairly well.  We weren't perfect, but I knew we were trying and we were better together than we would have been in any combination apart. And as I am raising my own family, I see the wisdom in doing this together with grandparents supporting from the sides and adding their love and counsel to ours as parents for the best possible outcome of our kids.

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THE FAMILY

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A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Stop The World! I Want To Get Off

While my blogging has waned this week due to some server issues at home, my mind has been going crazy.  I made the mistake of reading several articles--based only on very vague titles--and then discovered, to my dismay, that the conclusions made me discouraged and depressed.

The biggest depression-causing article was a report of a study done by a Canadian psychiatric doctor.  In his studies of pedophiles over many years,  his conclusion was that these people had an inborn sexual orientation making them attracted sexually to children.  So his study concluded that, like society's acceptance of homosexual lifestyle choices, those who have a predetermined orientation toward sex with children will likely be active in changing society's idea of this begin "not their fault" and eventually accept their behavior.

Oh my. Talk about justification for criminal behavior!  That conclusion made me feel physically ill.

The story about the deal made for the Idaho POW's release made me flip out too--especially as more details have come to light.  At first, like everyone else in America, I was thrilled this guy was coming home.  Then as details of the story expanded and his willful desertion of his unit and the real cost of what was given up to release him was explored, I was more and more angry about it.  I felt that knot in my stomach and seething anger.

What happened to the pride from being in the military?  What about a love of your country?  UGH!

Then yesterday, I heard the reports of the university shooting in Seattle.  How many times does something like this have to happen before people come to alternative ways of expressing themselves?  I have no real interest in owning guns myself, but I certainly don't blame guns for violence in this country.  They are inanimate objects with a potential for danger--just like a car or power tools.  How we use the objects determines their danger in reality.




There was a time I considered myself  a "news junkie".  But anymore, I find I am making a conscience effort to NOT watch the news or listen to talk radio or even read more than the local stuff in the paper.  It all just makes me sad.  We live in beautiful world, and yet it is filled with so much dishonesty, hatred and violence.  When I think too long about things like these, I find myself sliding into a dark deep hole of negativity.  It is hard to pull out of, to be honest.  And yet, I know there is much more good in the world--if we only heard of it in its proper proportion.  That disproportional reporting of world events makes me sad too.  How blood thirsty has the human race become?

I keep the thought in my heart that the Second Coming of the Savior cannot be too far off, considering the deterioration of the earth.  And even knowing the prophesied events that have to happen for that to start, I would still rather be "twinkled or burned" myself, just to end the horrible things that people do to one another in general.

Makes me just want to run away from reality.  I guess that is what novels and movies are for.  at least, for a little while--until the hopelessness goes away.

All Aboard the Bandwagon!

I have been "FF-ing" through some episodes of Oprah where she has Suze Orman on talking about the current financial mess our country, and now the world, has found ourselves. I enjoy this because they seem amazed and delighted to find a plan to live more carefully, more frugally. Where have THEY been?

Isn't the point of this mess that, as a people, we have over extended ourselves and have been living way beyond our means? We have been spending our imagined income, not our actual one. We have been saving nothing. And the government's answer to this is to run into the back room and print more money?! Isn't that a felony if WE do it? So now, with this bailout, the government is spending our children's children's futures. Where does this madness end?

My grandparents would have been very young children during the Great Depression. [By the way, isn't that the best oxymoron of all time? Was it really that great? I know it was huge, but we don't call it the Huge Depression...just a thought.] I remember visiting their homes and they all lived fairly simply.

My Washington Grandparents were living in the country and Gpa worked cattle. He was a cowboy in all the right ways--down to letting his doberman house dogs drink beer from the bottle and eat pizza with him. But I digress. He had simple tastes. He liked his beer and he liked his coffee with the guys down at the Brass Rail in the morning. He said little, but liked us kids to come sit with him on the couch and give him a hug.

My Gma was well into her mental illness by the time I came along, but she made the best homemade blackberry jam from berries picked on their place, at home, by hand. She didn't do anything fancy with them. She stored it up and we ate it when we got to visit. In fact, she "stored" a lot of stuff. She could be considered a hoarder now, probably, but she figured she might need it again someday, so why throw it out.

My Live-In Grandparents moved in with us when I was about 6 or 7. When they first came, Gram was pretty sprightly, at least by comparison to later. Gramps had suffered a stroke after a devastating "motorbike" accident disfigured his "good side" a few year years before that. He was physically pretty hammered, but he insisted on being as independent as he could be--despite my parent's concerns and frustrations. But I watched him as he returned to school--wheelchair and outhouse-shaped trailer pulled behind his spray painted old car and all. He wanted to learn Spanish, of all things, so he could communicate with the others at the Senior Citizen's Center where he regularly had lunch. He didn't ever give up while he lived with us. He showed a lot of courage and determination and grit.

My Gram, meanwhile was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis which brought them to us in the first place. She did what she could, but I knew she was hurting, and suffering, and wasn't happy with her situation. It made me very uncomfortable to try to be with her when she was whimpering from the pain she felt. I'm sure this isn't what she wanted with her life, but she stuck it out and showed some real unconditional and, many times, undeserved love toward me as a girl. I do have regrets about how I treated her as I grew up. I hope my behavior once I was older and a little better able to understand her made up for some of that. I know she wanted the best for my sister and me. She loved to hear what we were up to and what new things we were doing. She put on an optimistic face and demonstrated that just spending time together was the most valuable way to live.

These are the lessons, I gathered, that Oprah and Suze are just now trying to help people figure out for themselves. Where have all these people been all this time, since my grandparent's days? My parents lived pretty frugally too. Not to the point that I remember going without something. But we sure weren't fancy folks. And remembering now, I think we were fairly spoiled at times. But there wasn't a lot of money spent on stuff. We spent time together and learned to work and were expected and encouraged to work for what we wanted.

I heard all the time as I grew up, that you can't spend what you don't have. I thought everyone learned this. Apparently not. And now, we are all paying for mistakes made by everyone across the board. Too bad this lesson has to affect so many people's retirement savings and investments for their futures.

I can appreciate, a little, what Suze and Oprah are trying to do, but I just wonder what planet they have been living on for the last few decades as the public's spending habits have amped up year after year. Maybe now, living cheaply will be trendy! Thus making our family and friends trendy too. Yeah. I don't think that will happen. But at least Oprah is driving the bandwagon at this point. Maybe she'll collect some over the top extras from the entertainment industry too. Couldn't hurt.