Lingering

 I haven't written since Covid-19 struck me.  I was in bed for 2 weeks, and then I thought I was bouncing back.  But it was a lie.

I have never been so tired.  The tiredness is physical but it is emotional and mental too. I'm disappointed that this is a different recovery than I had in mind.  I like to think of myself as one who stays healthy until I'm not then bounces back as soon as the worst is over.  I haven't really been a sicky person and I haven't ever felt like I was a whiner. But this recovery has made me a whiner, for sure. I do not feel like myself and when you add the yo-yo societal situation the world is in, the political mud fight we've been living in, and the silly putty stretching and pulling and balling up of my psyche in the last eight months, I think I have officially lost it.

I don't like this feeling.

Today is the day after the election. There is no outright winner.  There is definitely no out right victory for America, so far as I can see. I AM worried about the world and the situation we've worked ourselves into. We worry about how people can thoughtlessly treat others with anger and hatred and not see the error in their ways.  I worry about neighbors who are so offended by someone's "differentness" that violence and degradation are somehow okay. I worry that the polarization in our country, our state, our county, our community has become a chasm that cannot be bridged.  I see immediate conflict in even my little neighborhood--new business versus neighbors --that has made an ugly turn.  My heart is hurting for all of this.

I really don't like that feeling.

I have dear friends who have so much hurt and mistrust and resentment within their families that it is manifesting in detrimental health disasters and physical pain and damage.  Distancing in situations like this is far harder than social distancing. I cannot find a solution for any of it. I hurt for my friends and I hurt for their families and I feel hurt I felt years ago from hurts in my own family that I thought I had purged from my life. 

I can't stand that feeling.

The world is a dumpster fire. and I'm standing by with no tools in my hands and no thoughts of how to find a tool to fix anything. I try to heal myself with positive thoughts and messages that I attempt to share on social media that I keep hoping helps something. But I can't see anything improving. I can't feel anything but is changing for the better. I can't see a way out.

I HATE that feeling.

What a depressing post this has become.  I feel so out of control of my own life.  Maybe everyone feels like that right now.  Maybe tomorrow the feeling will pass. Maybe it won't. I just keep going and imagining things will improve, but I don't know anymore.

But I have hope. It's fleeting but it fleets in and out. Maybe tomorrow the fleeting in will last longer than the out. That is what I am counting on.  Each day a little more hope.  Each day after that a little more.

Maybe that is all I need. Maybe that is all I can do. and Maybe that is a feeling I can live with right now.