The Struggles Are Real, People

It's July already.  My last entry was May.  That is no okay, people.  I feel like my life gets sucked away as fast as I get it some days.

I want to believe that life is getting better as I age--you know, like aged beef, or cheese.  But what I know is that my eyesight is fading--though, thank you glasses--who EVER thought I'd say that?!?  I know that my mind finally feels like its my own again and that very moment my body revolts and I feel decades older than I am chronologically.  Then, I make some changes to my diet, sleep, vitamins, you name it, and my mind is instantly scrambled.

I know that parenting never ends.  Even when I think I'm through the wicked wood of preschool years, the fluster of elementary school, the torment of junior high and the angsty kerfulffle of high school,  I'm now the parent of two young adults.  and they behave--some days--like they did as preschoolers, at least their thought process.  The only thing that is keeping my parenting head above water is knowing their frontal lobes aren't fully developed until about 25.  Luckily for me, they seem to be taking turns in this relm.  But the fight inside me is real.  Life lessons are hard to watch fromteh sidelines, knowing fullwell what is waiting around the corner that they cannot see.  I had no idea that becoming a life-longparent is equal parts heart breaking and awe insiring.

I know that things will get better.  Some day.  One of these days.  But the days and nights until that happens give my mind timet o worry, imagine the worst and blame myself for mistakes--honest, didn't-know-any-better, parenting goofs.  I also know I am not a perfect parent--but I know I am doing the best I can.  It doesn't make it easier.

I know that my faces shows me new wrinkles when I start to discover I am still fighting pimples.  What?!?  That makes me understand the confusion is as real to me as I feel it is for everyone else.  Skin care and parenting--who knew they were so interrelated?! Argh.

But I also know, undoubtably, that parenting the two children I was blessed to have in my life, is the greatest worthwhile challenge I will ever have.  I know that God loved these two kids before I ever thought of them. And He loves them now. Still. When I am dropped to my knees, not knowing what to do or how to help them, I know I can pray and have a loving perfect, Heavenly Father guide me as I try to parent His children, albeit imperfectly, on earth.

When I stop and think about who these two kids of mine are really, and Whose they are, I'm humbled and grateful and ready to give it all another go--no matter how my heart is aching (because of them, or for them). I'm grateful I'm not doing this by myself but that I have a partner who will share the burden and celebrate the joy.  Together.  That is what this whole struggle is--an attempt to be together forever.

It is the hardest, sweetest, most frustrating, most exhilerating experience of my mortal life.  That is what it was meant to be.  Knowing what I know, why does these bumps and dips surprise me so much?  You expect the big drop as you ascend on a clickety roller coaster.  Family life is no different.  Except the clickety sounds aren't always there in the trials and struggles to help you anticipate the joys and thrill of the descent.

And the thrills and joys are as real, and luckily, more everlasting than the struggles.  If that wasn't true every child would be an only child.  Who would do this again without a little payout once in a while?  The trouble comes when the struggles and trials and challenges cloud your memory and you loose sight of those blessed moments of wonder and thrill and exhileration.

At least I know the ride-loading drill: "Keep your hand and arms inside the ride until it comes to a full and complete stop". If I'm still moving, the ride isn't over yet.  And that gives me the hope to wait out the cloudy bits and the tear filled view of what is coming.  It will be OK.  It will BE okay. It WILL be okay.

That much I know.