Opie, The Wiener Dog

We dog-sat this week for my sister.  This is Opie, the Wiener dog.  Apparently he came to the rescue shelter with the name of Oscar--how original--but the shelter workers decided they didn't need one more wiener dog names Oscar, so they changed his name to Opie since he is a red head and has freckles.

 Opie is pretty selective about this food.  But this fact should not be confused with the idea that he really LIKES his food.  Because he does.

 Sometimes Opie looks like he has something to say to you.  But he is a dog, so he can't really say it.

 Other times he squints at you to make you think that you should know what he is thinking, but can't say out loud.  But I'd bet it has something to do with his food.

 Did I mention, he likes his food? 

 Don't let those sort legs fool you.  He is a pretty powerful little dog.  Especially if he smells something while you are taking him for a walk.  He has stopped me in my tracks before.

 His ears are really soft though.

 He is a pretty smiley dog.

 Especially if you seem to know what he is thinking.

But he still does have dog breath.  That is a fact.

 

But this was the look he gave me most of the time he was with us...looking in from the back porch step...willing me, with his eyes, to let him into the air conditioning.

I'm the meanest dog sitter ever.

Frustration and Discouragement: Must be a Court Week

I go to court with my sister on Thursday.  This hearing is to settle some child-support issues, as well as the unpaid debts that her ex has still not paid off--that have her name connected to it--after four and a half years of divorce.  Plus the ex was ordered to get some psychiatric counseling by a PhD who knows how to deal with people with classic narcissism.

She just found out her ex has filed for bankruptcy. 

Consequently, this whole court ordeal might be for naught.  He will be allowed to leave the consumer debts he still hasn't paid off.  He may even be allowed to walk away from court and legal fees he was ordered to pay when she was awarded them by the court.  Four and a half year's worth of  battling, and even the winning, may be swept away after all.

And who knows if child support is demanded from someone who files for bankruptcy and won't hold down a job?  The kids still need the financial support.  The kids still need the counseling.  The kids still need to eat, and be clothed, and be cared for with medical attention when needed.  The kids will still want to do things they always have--football, baseball, scouts.  All that costs money.  Money that should be provided for them by both of their parents.

I know my sister is doing all she can.  She is a teacher and makes a teacher's salary.  I guess it is lucky that at least she has medical insurance that covers the boys, but that costs her too.  Costs that should be shared.  She worries about their future...college, missions, marriage, mental and physical health; not to mention her own future...retirement, long term health, debts.  It adds up quick.  And it all costs money.  Money that should not just be her responsibility.  The boys are his too.

But I guess it could always be worse.  Something could happen to my sister and if she were gone, these boys would go to their dad full time.  Then what would happen to to them?  I don't even what to think about it.

So, I'll pop some more Imodium, and drive to Ogden, and sit through another pointless hour or so where the judge is impotent in his ruling because this man has learned not only how to manipulate everyone in his life, but now also the legal system and all its parts; where my sister will have to pay, again, this time knowing her awarded fees and costs will never be repaid and her boys will still be getting the short end of the stick while she deals with their emotional outbursts and all their needs.  That is not right.

Nightmare

Last night, or early this morning, I woke up from a terrifying and very real nightmare.  I guess what makes a nightmare all the more terrifying is that while you are asleep your brain believes what it is seeing.  However, I was still terrified when I woke up because my daytime brain has actually wondered if something like my nightmare could happen.  The possibility of it makes it even worse.

**This disclaimer is to let you know that I do not claim to have prophetic dreams, where things I dream about then become reality...so continue reading at your own discretion and understand that I am not foretelling something terrible, just relating a what caused a horrible night's sleep.***

In my dream I saw my family having some sort of family celebration at my home.  It was warmer weather since some people were out on the back patio, and the french doors off the dining room were open.  I was out on the front lawn with Nephew #2 and we were chatting about something I couldn't understand.  Suddenly nephew's dad drove up and parked his truck in front of my house.  His new wife and young son were in the passenger side.  They stayed there while nephew's dad got out and angrily walked to the front door with a gun in his hand.  Nephew and I ran in after him, yelling for people to watch out.  Our warnings were never heard as nephew's dad opened fire on the group in the back of the house and on the patio.  Nephew and I were screaming together and suddenly the sound stopped and the next moment I was awake and panting for breath.

It was horrible.

Now, I don't have any idea what all this would mean to someone who buys into dream analysis, other than I am afraid of my ex-brother-in-law.  And I probably, if I was honest with myself, wouldn't put it past him to do harm to those in my family.  He is a pretty angry guy, and since their divorce he seems to believe he has cause to be that level of "angry".  But I have not really considered this playing out like my nightmare showed me.  I woke up panicked and terrified and distressed.

I quickly recognized that it was just a dream, and therefore I didn't have any reason to get upset by it in reality.  But the thought was still there, deep set in my subconscious.  That can't be good.

I go to court with my sister in early March again.  Each time I do I worry about the outcome of the day, of the ineffective words of the judge or commissioner, of the legal costs of the day and the preceding preparation by my sister's attorney and the emotional costs of the day that will have to be paid over the next weeks and months as we deal with the fall out of another's choices and the lack of accountability with which he is held. 

That is probably the worst part of it.  I simply don't think the system works.  I don't believe the judge when he "lays down the law" because for nearly four years is hasn't mattered.  The threats are empty and hollow.  And she still has to cope every day with angry boys who are being told opposite things from their parents.  She deals with the financial deprivation that comes with fighting a good fight. And we all deal with the emotional investment of years given to attempted understanding and support for something we can't see the end of.

I woke up with chills, a headache, and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I know it was only a nightmare, and I only have to deal with these feelings each time a court date draws closer, but she lives this every day.  She copes with decisions made by others every day.  She lives with her boys and must endure the repercussions of their feelings when they are being lied to and fed a steady stream of anger, mistrust and blame pointed at their mother each time they visit their dad.

Is she blameless in this scenario?  No, not completely, but I know how hard she is trying to do right by her boys since this whole thing started.  And I also realize that I have not heard his side of the story, but I do know he lied to me too many times to count, so I am leery to want to know his side in general, and certainly not the particulars.  I am already too close to the situation to be objective.  Which is why I feel physically ill every time I go to these legal things.

Now even my sleep is disturbed by the terrible "what if" scenarios.  I just pray for peace for all the parties involved.  And with that, I hope that means me as well.

Two Way Street

I had a nice chat with my sister last night. She was waiting for my parents to show up for her graduation ceremony--she finished her masters degree! She was calling with the standard "did they tell YOU what their plan was?" stress. It is funny if you think about it. They are grown adults, fully capable of getting themselves there. We still worry. Must be genetic.

Part of her call though has caused me to think. She is divorced, has been for two plus years now. She has tried some random dating, set ups, online dating. There is not a deep pool from which to draw, apparently. There are a lot of serious weirdos out there. (Can I get an AMEN from the single girls?!)

Since the divorce, she has been very good friends with a former family friend who knew her ex husband. He is a good guy who, I think, just wanted to make sure she was all right as she has been going through all the changes that come with a change in marital status. He likes her boys and enjoys being around them.

He was raised LDS in Ogden. In HS he make some choices that put him out of favor with his ward. He has felt ostracized, shunned, and left out due to a bad choice. He dealt with the choice the best way he could, though it wasn't something that seems to have made him happy in the long run. He has since married and had three kids and divorced as well. Still, he has not been interested in "church people" because he felt they were judging him. That was one of his attractions to my sister, allegedly, was that she took him as he was and saw him as a good person, though not active at church. (She seems to think there is more to his testimony than he recognizes, but that will have to wait. She has not added any pressure in that arena.)

Well, Sister was looking forward to our parents meeting Mr. Man at her graduation. As it has gotten closer, Mr. Man has gotten a little skittish. His reason? He basically told her "Your family might look down on me...judge me...presuppose who I am or what I am...think less of me...won't think I am 'worthy' to date, blah, blah, blah."

Now, is that fair? Really?

My parents are some of the most open, welcoming people I know. They have, for as long as I can remember, taken everyone at face value and began to develop friendships from there. They have friends in all sorts of walks of life. Some are religious, some are not. Some are more than a little rough around the edges, others are very smooth--sometimes too smooth for my taste. But with my folks, they take you as you are. Strangers are just friends they haven't met yet. They activate the benefit of the doubt most of the time.

While they, themselves, are quite religious now, they weren't always. Things in their lives have shown them this Gospel is vitally important. They know living it makes them happy. But that doesn't disqualify others from being their friends. If anything, they have a lot to share, if someone is interested.

They have never lived in Utah, so the wacky, sometimes judgemental, standoffish tendencies some LDS members here might have toward inactives or non-LDS folks, doesn't even faze them. They don't presume everyone is LDS in the first place, so there is no assumption made.

I hope Mr. Man shakes off his self-doubt and steps up to meet them today. Otherwise, this will be a relationship shipwreck before the storms even begin. Wanting something from others you are unwilling to give in equal measure back; isn't that the definition of hypocrite?

I'll keep you posted.