Perpetuating Insecurities?

 My good mom writes a family letter each week--nearly without fail.  She shares the newsy retelling of their every days for the week just to keep in touch. During Covid life, my sister was able to visit them a LOT and weekly, the rest of the family would get these newsy reports of all the stuff Sister did with my parents each time she was there.

Those visits have been able to continue since the vaccine was unveiled and rolled out everywhere. My BIL has some frequent flyer points so Sister can fly whenever she wants, even bringing her little dog with her. That dog has more flight miles than I do!

In talking with The Boy and my Daughter In Law, the recent tales of Sister at the grandparents' place came up in conversation. Discovering my family was not a favorite was not new information for these two. They said they could tell that just by the way the letter reflected on all the details of what Sister did with them. When we have the grandparents with us or with our side, it is usually a short "we were there" mention.

Apparently my personal insecurities have rubbed off on my kids without much effort. While growing up there were only the two of us girls. We quickly grew into our own interested and hobbies. We didn't do much that overlapped. Even when we were both in 4H, we raised different animals, took different classes and had different friends. By high school, the only thing we seemed to share was out last name and the ride 5 miles in the car to get to town from our house. She was sporty. I was the choir/drama girl. I did student government and she did an internship for sports medicine. I worked at the fabric store and she worked at the non-alcoholic nightclub for teens. I was still very active in our church and she gave it all up at 14.

I left home for college about the time she was nearly ready to drive herself, so I spent the last few years driving her wherever she needed to be as part of the "deal" my parents made in order to have a car available to me. It was never MY car, but I always had A car available and usually had assignments to get Sister to and from whatever she had going on too.

Because we didn't do much together and subsequently didn't have much in common, we never really developed much of a friendship. Some days I think we missed out. Other times I think that once my parents are gone, we won't have any reason to see each other unless something for the kids came up. When I think about it for long, I have a lot of guilt and sadness with those thoughts. But mostly, I just don't think of it.

Anyway. I didn't realize that I modeled this feeling that I was not the favorite in my family of origin until heard this from the kids. But I guess that i do feel that and I obviously have said things to give them that same impression. I have no idea how long that has gone on, but I'm sure it has always been there. I must do it without realizing it.

In a perfect world, my kids would have independent relationships with my parents. But I have gypped them out of that subconsciously. 

In MY perfect world, my kids would have learned from my mistakes with my sister and have built their own friendships with each other that will last long past my own life on the earth. I hope I have done better with them than I have with my sister. But that is hard to gauge. 

MY insecurities are the insecurities I hold in my own thinking and I never intended them to be passed on to my kids. Maybe there is still time to correct that. I hope there is time to correct that--for me, for them, for my sister and me, and my parents and all of us.

#52 Stories-Story # 18

What valuable lessons about love and devotion have you learned from the most successful marriages in your family--whether they're your siblings, parents, grandparents or even ancestors?

My parents are the most successful love story in our family.  We jokingly say they have been together forever already--and in a way they have been. They've been together since my mom was 14 years old and they have been married since 1964.

From them I  have learned that sometimes you may not always LIKE the person, but if there is love at the bottom of it all, everything and anything can be weathered together.

From them I've learned that you love someone fiercely--with no excuses to anyone else.

From them I've learned that you love someone through thick and thin--and everything in between.

From them I've learned that you never give up on someone you love.

I have learned from them that really loving someone means you'll have to forgive them many times and ask for forgiveness a lot too

From them I've learned that event he hardest things are easier together.

From them I have learned that with a good partner at your side you can do just about anything.

From them I've learned that when you love someone you also love their family--good, bad or ugly.

And from them I've learned that when you love someone that love doesn't go away when things get hard, or boring, or tough, or challenges arise, or things are going beautifully.  When you love someone, you choose to love them each and every day.

They are not perfect examples, but they are the best thing I have had to look to and see how to do this relationship-thing in my life.

Makes Ya Think

This morning I attended a funeral of a neighbor.  He was a good man, father, husband, neighbor, and fellow congregant.  He was 66 years old.

His children--6 of them-- now all married and in their own rights good people, took part in the service.  As I listened to reminiscences or memories they shared I couldn't help but think what I would share if I was in their shoes and I was eulogizing my dad.  I'm not saying this to be morose, or to hurry anyone's demise, but funerals are designed to make you stop and think.

Many things came to my mind about my dad, and mom for that matter. As the older daughter of these two unique people, I have a lot of memories.  Some of those are possibly unique to me--but many are shared with others.  One of this neighbor's sons began by saying that his dad  would tell the same story, because he liked to tell it, and you'd listen because of that fact alone until you've heard the story a dozen times.  Immediately I though of the Black Pontiac story.  It's capitalized because it is one of THOSE stories.  I love watching my dad tell that story.  I've heard it more than a dozen times.  I can anticipate the next line and begin chuckling to myself long before I know dad is getting close to the zinger of an ending.

In the funeral the kids talked about their parents being a team in their family's business and in life.  I have seen that with my parents.  How they can still love each other after working all day together--for YEARS!  How they know the other one so well that few things surprise them, but they still try.  It is inspiring and heart warming and fills me with wonder.

They spoke about their dad's business and the "almost done" quality of his work.  How their dad (and electronics repairman) would stop on their way out of town for a vacation to help some granny adjust her TV before they hit the road.  Many times I remember picking up a part being part of the day's activity or running to a customer's place on their way to dinner.

A life long friend of the deceased spoke near the end of the service today of the joy they shared as boys and the appreciation he had of a true, life long friend.  Those kind of people are rare, and to have one is a real treasure.  My parents have a few like that in their lives, and because of my parents' decision to live in the same place and put down permanent roots, I have those in my life too.  he is absolutely right--they are treasures.

The whole morning was a tender reminder of the blessing I have to have parents with me still who not only love me, but love each other--still.  My parents recognize and value their family and they will be the first to say we are not a perfect example of anything, I know they keep trying because it is worth it to them.  And that makes it all the more worth it to me.

I'm even more grateful to have them here still, and while I live 900 miles away, my heart is always closer than that.  Separation is only insurmountable when your heart isn't willing to be there. and that is not the case with my parents.  What a tremendous blessing.  Like they always have been to me.

The Thing About Today Is, It's Now

I know it is only Tuesday and not everyone has extra days off this week, but I am excited today because--even though I have to work today and tomorrow yet--The Girl is coming home tonight for Thanksgiving weekend.

I know she was home briefly over Labor Day weekend, and then again in October for her fall break weekend.  But this is holiday weekend where the whole holiday is about being together as a family and eating good food.  Sure there is room for some time with friends, but I am hoping--though I haven't pushed for her plans yet--she will have time to spend with us this weekend.

I used to inwardly roll my eyes when I heard Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle"--do you remember it?

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, Dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, Dad
I don't know when, but we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, Dad
I don't know when, but we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son
I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home son
I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad
We're gonna have a good time then.

Sadly, the older I get I am realizing that this song is true, and it happens when you aren't looking and MUCH faster than you anticipate.  So with The Girl coming home this weekend, I'm looking forward to sitting around and just soaking it all in.  This family time doesn't last for long.  And as the kids are quickly turning into grown ups themselves, I feel doomed to repeating the story from this song.  And it breaks my heart.

You're The Exception?!

Today was the first day of swim team for the summer rec program.  As it is the first day, there was a little, informal parents' meeting to cover some basic policies that need to be adhered to throughout the season.  It is never fun, but necessary, nonetheless. It is also the first day the swim team gear is available for purchase.  We had a pile of new swimmers, so this is a challenge to just keep people from walking off with a suit they "forgot" to purchase..etc.  But I was floored today by one mom in particular.

Now, I need to preface this by saying that there are always families every year that think the rules don't apply to them.  Whatever the rule.  They are the exception.   So I don't know why this woman surprised me so much.

Well, about 7 AM the line for the gear was easily 20 people long already.  The new coaches had introduced themselves, and the kids were all headed off into the water to start their day's practice.  One young man--I'd say maybe 15 or 16 years old--was standing with this woman, who was  NOT in line for the team gear.  She butted her way into the boxes of stuff--fins, suits, goggles, etc.--grabbing what her son (the sad boy with her) would need.  Then she tells our team mom (who, meanwhile, is trying to keep track of said gear so it doesn't walk away AND answer suit fitting questions, etc) that her son "needs this stuff right now because he is supposed to be in the water".

He didn't have another suit to wear?  Even some trunks? Why is a kid that old needing his mommy to suit him out for the team?  I mean, moms of kids that age generally pay for the stuff, but the kids are much more self sufficient than that.  How is this kids going to find the blocks on a meet without her holding his hand?!

I wanted to tell her that there are several others in the line waiting fro their turn, and they also have kids who somehow managed to make it to the water this morning.  Instead I mentioned to her that she'll still need to wait and that her son will be fine whenever he gets to the pool, as it was only the first day.

But about then I put myself in time-out when I saw her expression (which read like I was a complete idiot) and I knew I was very close to saying something so snarky and nasty that I would regret it.

Nice way to begin the season.  Yikes.

A Shout Out

Today is my parent's wedding anniversary.  This marks 47 years for them.  I'm sure there were lots of difficulties in that many years of marriage, but they have stuck it out--together--and I honor that achievement today.  They are also a great example of putting each other first and working toward something together. 

They began this adventure together when they were both pretty young.  I'm sure they had some exciting and fun times but they also knew that marriage was a commitment and, through thick and thin, they have lives their commitment to each other.

It is a nice legacy to me.  Genius Golfer and I will celebrate 19 years married this spring, and some days it feels like it has just flown past, but other times each day feels like a bog to get through.  Our communication and attitude determine the differences and the combinations of those times two people, can be pretty vacillating at times.  But, I know I am in it for the long haul--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Just like my parents!  Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.  I love you and thank you for the example you have set for us.

And They're Off!

Boy, without my daily dose of talk radio, my line of topics shrinks pretty fast, doesn't it? I'll try to be a little more thoughtful, but I'm not promising anything.

Yesterday I sat at the city pool to help with swim team sign ups and registration. Our summer rec team is so much fun. It really is the best thing my kids have done, sports-wise, in town. At least, it is more fun for me. I love working with the kids in the bull pen, lining them up for their heats and getting them ready to race. I love the other parents who are helping everyone out. I have a lot of friends on the swim team, (I mean I have other swim team parents as friends...you know what I meant, right?) And I love being outside, in the sun, at the pool, with a good reason to be there and not doing house or yard work.

The sign ups began at 3:30 but people get there about 3 to get in line. There are papers to fill out and checks to be written and pleasantries to exchange. But not everyone feels like they need to play by the same rules.

I am regularly amazed by people who feel somehow entitled to skip the lines, the forms, the money and get what they want in any way they want it at the expense or hassle of others. Where do these people get off? They seem to show up in every category and in every social setting. I don't get them.

A couple of people who have some kind of ties with the pool or the city seem to feel entitled, but even that is debatable. Others were waiting in the line, but would interrupt when I was answering another parent's question and demand a different form or another bit of information. Sometimes these parents even send their children to do these rude things rather than get my "I can't believe you just interrupted me again--can't you see I was speaking with this woman?!" look themselves.

Didn't we learn about behaving ourselves in kindergarten? You know: wait in line, take turns, speak one at a time, don't interrupt. The Golden Rule seems to have been replaced with "I want it! Give it to me NOW!" It is disheartening, to be sure.

Then there are those who surprise you with the opposite attitudes. One mother, who had a returning swimmer, didn't get enough hours volunteering in last year and felt really bad about it. When she came through the line to register again, she donated $100 to the team to apologize and pay for her remorse ("I am a good Catholic!" she told us). We never would have remembered that she didn't put in the hours last year.

I guess people will be people and there are always some who prefer to get their way than do the right thing. Maybe I am just not sure how this can still surprise me. I ought to expect that more, I suppose. Too bad. That is a sorry commentary on society. And swim team parents.

Two Way Street

I had a nice chat with my sister last night. She was waiting for my parents to show up for her graduation ceremony--she finished her masters degree! She was calling with the standard "did they tell YOU what their plan was?" stress. It is funny if you think about it. They are grown adults, fully capable of getting themselves there. We still worry. Must be genetic.

Part of her call though has caused me to think. She is divorced, has been for two plus years now. She has tried some random dating, set ups, online dating. There is not a deep pool from which to draw, apparently. There are a lot of serious weirdos out there. (Can I get an AMEN from the single girls?!)

Since the divorce, she has been very good friends with a former family friend who knew her ex husband. He is a good guy who, I think, just wanted to make sure she was all right as she has been going through all the changes that come with a change in marital status. He likes her boys and enjoys being around them.

He was raised LDS in Ogden. In HS he make some choices that put him out of favor with his ward. He has felt ostracized, shunned, and left out due to a bad choice. He dealt with the choice the best way he could, though it wasn't something that seems to have made him happy in the long run. He has since married and had three kids and divorced as well. Still, he has not been interested in "church people" because he felt they were judging him. That was one of his attractions to my sister, allegedly, was that she took him as he was and saw him as a good person, though not active at church. (She seems to think there is more to his testimony than he recognizes, but that will have to wait. She has not added any pressure in that arena.)

Well, Sister was looking forward to our parents meeting Mr. Man at her graduation. As it has gotten closer, Mr. Man has gotten a little skittish. His reason? He basically told her "Your family might look down on me...judge me...presuppose who I am or what I am...think less of me...won't think I am 'worthy' to date, blah, blah, blah."

Now, is that fair? Really?

My parents are some of the most open, welcoming people I know. They have, for as long as I can remember, taken everyone at face value and began to develop friendships from there. They have friends in all sorts of walks of life. Some are religious, some are not. Some are more than a little rough around the edges, others are very smooth--sometimes too smooth for my taste. But with my folks, they take you as you are. Strangers are just friends they haven't met yet. They activate the benefit of the doubt most of the time.

While they, themselves, are quite religious now, they weren't always. Things in their lives have shown them this Gospel is vitally important. They know living it makes them happy. But that doesn't disqualify others from being their friends. If anything, they have a lot to share, if someone is interested.

They have never lived in Utah, so the wacky, sometimes judgemental, standoffish tendencies some LDS members here might have toward inactives or non-LDS folks, doesn't even faze them. They don't presume everyone is LDS in the first place, so there is no assumption made.

I hope Mr. Man shakes off his self-doubt and steps up to meet them today. Otherwise, this will be a relationship shipwreck before the storms even begin. Wanting something from others you are unwilling to give in equal measure back; isn't that the definition of hypocrite?

I'll keep you posted.

Recreational Contention?!

I just got thrown out of The Girl's soccer game. Actually, I threw myself out.


The teams were into the second half with no score, both teams playing fairly well. The refs are still 15 years old and calling relatively nothing. Parents have a tendency to get frustrated too, when things like this keep happening.


There was nothing threatening said, and certainly not invoking any physical danger, but disagreements flared between one of our parents (who coaches a different child's team in town and is very experienced) and the opposing team's coach. Only words were exchanged but they were tense words. And they made me VERY uncomfortable. No, I wasn't the parent, and it wasn't Genius Golfer either. But still....


Why does this kind of confrontation make me so uneasy?! Is it a "girl thing"? Am I THAT big of a wuss? I had a real physical reaction to the contention! And it wasn't even my disagreement. I get the same sick feeling in my stomach and a stinging eye sensation when this kind of thing happens. The reaction is elevated if lawyers or courtrooms are involved.


I've never been a good one for confrontation; I avoid it when I can. I am sure I ingest my feelings far more often than I express them to the confrontor in person. Or, like today, I just run home with my little camp chair and get onto the computer and verbally vomit my feelings up here.


It has always bothered me that I cannot control my feelings face to face. I have, in the past, felt walked on and taken advantage of because I can't just say exactly what I mean, for fear of offending someone, or hurting their feelings. But usually, when I feel like this, what I mean isn't appropriate for a family rated blog or any interpersonal communication anyway, so maybe it is just as well.


I see the whole issue as a personality flaw.


As I grew up, my sister could say whatever she felt at the moment she felt it and she didn't have guilt or any sense of impropriety when she expressed herself. When she did it, I felt myself cowering behind after her trying to smooth things over and make it all OK again--even when I agreed with her, and that did happen occasionally. And now, I find myself doing the same thing still.


There is a book titled I Don't Have to Make Everything OK, or something to that effect. I have never read it, but I always have liked the title. I just wish I could internalize the idea the title explains. But so far, no luck.


"Why can't we all just get along?!" was famously questioned during the '92 LA riots. It may not have been a riot, but the junior high girls' recreation league soccer games might be a good place to ask it again. Too bad we never got a good answer the first time Rodney King asked it.

Some people's parents!?!

Last night was The Girl's first soccer game. She had a great coach and a lot of friends already on her team. The girls played well together and best of all THEY HAD FUN! This is the final year of Rec League soccer for the girls--at 9th grade they are eligible for the HS teams. And I thought the whole point of Rec Leagues was for the fun and maybe some learning.

Well, no one must have told the other team's coach. I thought he might blow a gasket. He was screaming at his girls and pacing up and down the side line. This was their FIRST game for Pete's sake. Somebody get this guy a Prozac!

The other parents were very vocal too, and I know that that only gets worse as the season progresses. The Girl even mentioned that she heard one parent complaining about the refs (who were all of 15 years old) and yapping loudly that the rules were stupid. (???) Who are these people?!

Sadly, they are the same people that wonder why the PTA does the things we do, and that choose not to become members or even volunteer in their children's classrooms and then complain that THEIR child is not receiving enough personal attention. Argh!

Regardless of these party poopers (every party has a pooper, that's why we invited them...) the majority of parents are fabulously encouraging, wanting their children to, yes, do their best, but to to do it with integrity and within the rules. Most parents appreciate all those who volunteer to coach, tutor, mentor, or serve their children. Almost all the parents want the same advantages for the friends of their kids as they do for their own children. Those are the kind of parents I know, the kind I work with in PTA, the kind I have volunteered with in Swim Team, soccer and preschool. They are the kind of parents you wish every kid had.

So while the vast majority are just the kind of people we want parenting the kids that our children play with, learn with, and compete together with, there will always be that ONE. You know the type: the kindergarten room mom who, midway through the year, had to be sacked; the passive-aggressive soccer dad who threatens the refs, the coach who directs his teams to win at all costs. No thanks. I much prefer to have a good time--even if it means losing a game or two--than deal with parents like that.

So watch the parents around you this season--at the football field or the soccer pitch. Lehi, Utah had a Sports Parenting Class they mandated a few years ago for parents of youth sports participants, due to the brawls that were popping up at kids' games in their city. Jeeeze Louise! Maybe with a concerted effort we can convince these crazy parents that this is NOT the Olympics, the NFL, or a life or death situation. Everyone just calm down and reassess that this is Recreation League...it is for FUN...it is for learning...it is for our KIDS!