Perpetuating Insecurities?

 My good mom writes a family letter each week--nearly without fail.  She shares the newsy retelling of their every days for the week just to keep in touch. During Covid life, my sister was able to visit them a LOT and weekly, the rest of the family would get these newsy reports of all the stuff Sister did with my parents each time she was there.

Those visits have been able to continue since the vaccine was unveiled and rolled out everywhere. My BIL has some frequent flyer points so Sister can fly whenever she wants, even bringing her little dog with her. That dog has more flight miles than I do!

In talking with The Boy and my Daughter In Law, the recent tales of Sister at the grandparents' place came up in conversation. Discovering my family was not a favorite was not new information for these two. They said they could tell that just by the way the letter reflected on all the details of what Sister did with them. When we have the grandparents with us or with our side, it is usually a short "we were there" mention.

Apparently my personal insecurities have rubbed off on my kids without much effort. While growing up there were only the two of us girls. We quickly grew into our own interested and hobbies. We didn't do much that overlapped. Even when we were both in 4H, we raised different animals, took different classes and had different friends. By high school, the only thing we seemed to share was out last name and the ride 5 miles in the car to get to town from our house. She was sporty. I was the choir/drama girl. I did student government and she did an internship for sports medicine. I worked at the fabric store and she worked at the non-alcoholic nightclub for teens. I was still very active in our church and she gave it all up at 14.

I left home for college about the time she was nearly ready to drive herself, so I spent the last few years driving her wherever she needed to be as part of the "deal" my parents made in order to have a car available to me. It was never MY car, but I always had A car available and usually had assignments to get Sister to and from whatever she had going on too.

Because we didn't do much together and subsequently didn't have much in common, we never really developed much of a friendship. Some days I think we missed out. Other times I think that once my parents are gone, we won't have any reason to see each other unless something for the kids came up. When I think about it for long, I have a lot of guilt and sadness with those thoughts. But mostly, I just don't think of it.

Anyway. I didn't realize that I modeled this feeling that I was not the favorite in my family of origin until heard this from the kids. But I guess that i do feel that and I obviously have said things to give them that same impression. I have no idea how long that has gone on, but I'm sure it has always been there. I must do it without realizing it.

In a perfect world, my kids would have independent relationships with my parents. But I have gypped them out of that subconsciously. 

In MY perfect world, my kids would have learned from my mistakes with my sister and have built their own friendships with each other that will last long past my own life on the earth. I hope I have done better with them than I have with my sister. But that is hard to gauge. 

MY insecurities are the insecurities I hold in my own thinking and I never intended them to be passed on to my kids. Maybe there is still time to correct that. I hope there is time to correct that--for me, for them, for my sister and me, and my parents and all of us.

Maybe It's A Medical Issue

Today I have been on the verge of tears all day.

I started the day a little humbled by what was awaiting me today. It was a full plate. I had a PTA meeting I was in charge of; I had a Stake Youth Committee proposal letter to tweak for presentation to our Stake Presidency; It's my day with Tammy; and I have tickets to our HS production of Les Miserables, after having missed it last week due to jury duty. I have been listening to the soundtrack the past couple of days.

At our PTA meeting, the principal of the school hosting us showed a beautiful Patriotic Program slide show set to music. Black and white photos of servicemen in World War II, of flag draped caskets, of fighter jets. It was set to some beautiful music. It was powerful. I felt so blessed to be an American.

Then I again, listened to the soundtrack from the Broadways casts of Les Mis. That music draws out almost the same tender feelings that slide show did. The idea of being blessed; of looking to God for help; of recognizing His providence in my life. The first time I saw this show I wept almost all the way through it. Even in the bawdy bits. In it's purest essence, it is a story of redemption, love and forgiveness. What's not to cry over in that?!

Then I spent the afternoon with Tammy. Her other friend, who usually relieves me in the afternoon, was out today because her daughter miscarried her baby early this morning. She was elbow deep in trying to comfort her daughter and mourn the loss of her grand baby. She called to let me know she had talked to Mr. Rick and they had another plan for this afternoon. While on the phone with me, she mentioned that she and Mr. Rick had had a real, open hearted conversation last week about how he and their girls had talked to Tammy and basically released her and told her they were OK, that she could go. I hope that is how it went down. That thought brought up some tender feelings for me. Some, of relief that they had finally had that conversation, and some, of hope that Tammy could soon let go and leave this terrible disease behind for better things, and some, that my friend could finally die.

On top of that I watch a DVD with her on the life of President Hinckley, former President of the Church. He was such a wonderful man. I loved to hear him speak especially when he talked of the love he has for the youth of the church. I loved his humor and down-to-earthiness. I know he was a prophet, and the Spirit's witness of that again today brought tears to my eyes.

I don't know that I have ever heard of the medical condition that causes weepiness at the drop of a hat. If there is such a thing, I think I have it. Especially today. I feel like a baby at the time it is happening, but I can't deny that I must be sensitive to those sorts of feelings that bring the tears to the surface easily. I really don't feel ashamed of it. I think I could be, but why worry? I'll just cry about that too.