Good Questions

Last evening I had an interview with our Bishop to renew my temple recommend.  Before he started asking me the "test questions" he sat and visited with me, asking me questions about how my life was going.

Sometimes these are the much harder questions to answer.

No.  They are definitely the harder questions to answer.

He asked me about how things were going at home.  He specifically asked about our finances.  So I told him just what I thought and added some points about my feelings.  He sympathized by telling me that he has learned in this calling that men and women do not see things the same way and had wondered how I was doing in regards to our current family financial situation.

I talked to him about feeling guilty that I am not working, and the conflict I feel when I think about working--even at the school--and the sick feeling I have had all weekend about it.  I feel guilty because I am capable of working, but I'm not.  I feel like one of us ought to be providing our family an income.  I was sick about the idea that if I did work, would that make Genius Golfer feel less like the family provider, or worse yet, give him a pass to golf all year and not really have his head in the game and think he didn't need to work anymore?  All these feeling have swirled about my head and the swirling has gotten to a tornado level this past weekend.

And last night I got word that the spot at the school when I might best fit in a job was just opened.  And it made me more sick.

He asked me about how I was feeling about my calling.  I told him I was struggling.  The information is something I can teach with my eyes closed, but I didn't care for this age group--even when The Boy and The Girl were this age.  I told him I love working with my co-teacher, but I don't feel much of a challenge and figured there must be something else I need to learn here.  I told him that I took the calling to be obedient, not because I was happy about it.

I was happy to share with him how I was feeling.  He asked, after all.  I just don't want to be a whiner and I don't like the idea of doing less than I should.  I want to do something with 100% effort and see what I do make a difference.  I want to be useful and of benefit to others.  Which, I guess in a way, is the core of my conflict right now.

I could be of use in a job.  But I feel I am benefiting my community in my volunteer work. I feel I give 100% as a PTA leader and I make a difference to my kids and others' kids too doing that.

When I have prayed about working I never have a settled feeling, so I have avoided pursuing it more.  With this new job becoming available, I feel like I should at least apply because it is "the right thing to do" for anyone looking at us from the outside.  But when I just feel sick to my stomach about it, that is a pretty resounding answer to me.

He had some good questions for me.  I just wish I had better answers.