How have you adjusted to life as an empty-nester? What advice do you have for others who are entering this stage of their lives?
We are just barely into this stage of life. And actually, the kids do come in and out of the house yet, but the mostly live in an apartment on their own while they are at school. At first I was really worried. My whole life had revolved around them since their birth. I was able to stay home with them and raised them while Genius golfer provided for us financially. that was a really blessing that he felt strongly that this was a priority.
Just as the adjustment that has to happen when children are added to a family, there is a period of adjustment as they grown up and leave home too. At least when they are born, their needs seem to come gradually--besides the food, clothing, protection that they need from the start. When they leave for other adventures, that seemed to happen much more "all at once".
I remembered my parents telling my that my mom when through a similar feeling of net being needed any more, once my sister and I moved out of the house. However, I also remember how much I needed her guidance, reassurance and encouragement once I was on my own--which isn't really true, if I still needed her for so much, right?
I felt a little useless for a while too. I looked forward to phones calls or texts with a "Mom, how do you .... ?" kinds of questions. Or my favorite: "I just called to chat...". I know my kids have been taught things that will help them to be independent and productive adults. That is what I saw my ultimate job to be as their parent. But I also knew that they'd come into some things in the world that I hadn't prepared them for--and those scared me. But they have proven themselves to be both independent and resilient. When things have come up that they've had to learn the hard way, they seem to make the most of the life lesson and move forward knowing a little better for next time. In some of those life lessons, I am the one learning--patience, most of all--as they learn, grow, and develop in their own time and pace. Sometimes that is frustrating. Sometimes it is terrifying. sometimes that is devastating. But I know that I have prayer on my side as their parent. And an apostle of the Lord once said that "There are few things more powerful than the prayers of a righteous mother." some days I cling as hard to that as I can. Other times that is a just a steady comforting thought.
One thing, separate from my own usefulness, that I worried about as we came into this phase of life was the increased togetherness I would have with GG. I love him, and have we've usually had a good time together, but now it was going to be just us. They kids weren't there to distract us, or divide our attention, or demand our time. Could we stand each other all the time?
Luckily, we found this a time of renewed commitment to our marriage relationship and to our spiritual life together. We committed to a weekly date night--that had kind of fallen away with the growing fmaily's crazy schedules in the past few years. We also tried to find ways to just be together--running errands or doing chores. And one thing I found really enjoyable was having a project to do together. For us it was our house in St. George. We scouted the location. We imagined the design. We planned for the construction. We witnessed the building. We have started to furnish it. We have created reasons to enjoy it together. We are still a ways from having it "done" but those kinds of long term (and high value) plans have helped us work toward a tangible goal together.
Eventually I'd like to do more traveling and seeing the world again with him. I think those kinds of discovery experience we share will strengthen our relationship too. But for now we are looking forward together, working toward united goals, and planning for our future together. And that is a great place to plan to be.
Showing posts with label empty nest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empty nest. Show all posts
Friday, July 27, 2018
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Notes From An Empty Nest
This blog post has been swirling around my mind for several weeks. I just didn't have the courage to put it in writing. The past 6 weeks or so, well, the whole summer, really, has given me many reasons to pause and think, and feel, and remind myself to keep breathing.
This is the most difficult summer I can remember. Nothing tragic, or life-threatening. Just a lot of change all coming at once. Coming at the end of the summer. Coming sooner than I had imagined. Hanging over my head; still, just coming.
As August began people would ask me, everywhere I went, "What are you going to do as an 'empty nester'?" Or they might word it differently, such as, "Ooooh, I bet you just can't WAIT to get that boy out of the house."
I'd smile and chuckle about "he needs this, and I need this". But that was not an honest answer.
The truth was I had never thought of myself beyond my role as a mom. In my head I know that I will ALWAYS be The Boy's and the Girl's mom. But it isn't the same as an every-day, full-timing, best job in the world kind of mom.
With The Girl off on a mission for our faith, and The Boy leaving for his freshman year in college, I was suddenly without my true identity, my vocation, my purpose-filled role in our family. Sure I had a job I'd been doing for work for the past 2 1/2 years. But my focus was shifting. My skill set and expertise were no longer needed in a day-to-day way.
In my heart I could hear myself scream "WHY didn't you have more kids?!?" But I knew in my heart the reasons. The two we have are great. My mental health might not have survived (with whatever I have survived with at this point) another delivery and subsequent child to raise. I know the peaceful feeling I had after The Boy was born that this was my set. I had quite enough to be getting along with, thankyouverymuch. I had had much to learn, and they were enough to teach me.
But being a mom: an involved, participating, full-throttle, hearts-all-in kind of mom was what I knew I was. When he left for school, what would that make me?
I know my mom has always said that if she did her job right, my sister and I would be responsible, capable adults in our own right. That is the kind of mom I had striven to be. In fact, if I was half as good as she was, my kids would probably turn out pretty great too. But I wasn't home to watch her experience this empty nest thing. I didn't see her model this behavior, teach me from her instinct.
All I had going for me was a lot of self doubt, and heightened worry about The Boy with no way to immediately help him. He was moving 274miles, and 3 1/2 hours away. He knew no one there. His roommate had no similarity of faith. I only knew his sooner to be roommate didn't smoke, or at least didn't want to live in a roommate where anyone smoked. Not a lot to go on.
But, The Boy went anyway. His move was vastly different from his sister's from two years ago. Much less premeditated. Much less actually to pack. Much less information shared with his mother. He was behaving like, well, like, his dad.
Genius Golfer thinks over things extensively. However, he shares those thoughts sparingly, rarely even. But he is thinking about things. The Boy was doing exactly that. He was following the model he learned from. It just wasn't me.
The Boy is incredibly bright, in his own way. Where his sister is book smart, he has more street smarts. But he is naturally very bright and when motivated he can do anything he sets his mind to. This was HIS decision. This was HIS school of choice. This was HIS life he was deciding about now. I had to let him make those choices.
That said, I would still love a phone call or text once a week or so, just so I know he is OK. But if I also DON'T hear from the university, a hospital, or the police, I guess no news is good news. I just have to trust him. I also need to trust Him.
Never have my prayers been so sincere or heartfelt as when I feel out of control. and now with my young, semi-adult children, I have NO control. I have to trust the Lord that He will protect them, and guide them, and see to their needs when I cannot. They were His before they were mine, anyway. I just need to remember that. And keep praying.
So, I am adjusting. I still don't love it, but I am seeing silver linings starting to show themselves in my cloudy situation. I am only having to make dinner about 2 nights a week. Since I don't know how to cook--much less for only two--we tend to have more then enough to last the week. Or, GG gets a hankering fro something out, so we just go. We can get by with our varied 2-4-1 deals. It's almost cheaper to to it that way.
My evenings are my own. GG is still golfing, as long as the weather is good, so I can do what I like for the most part. No one is there to tease me about whatever book I want to read, movie to watch, or project to tackle. And the Netflix is all mine.
The house stays MUCH cleaner with only two old people living here. And GG takes his turn so there is less for me to do there too.
And when I do get a text (from The Boy) or a weekly email (from The Girl) I am absolutely thrilled to hear from them. They are both doing great. They have adjusted to their new situations better and faster than I have. They are becoming great kids--no, great people. They are pretty terrific, if I do say so myself. I am prouder than I have ever been of them. I love them more than when they left. And I know I will love them even more when I see them come through the door and I can hug them again as their mom.
This is the most difficult summer I can remember. Nothing tragic, or life-threatening. Just a lot of change all coming at once. Coming at the end of the summer. Coming sooner than I had imagined. Hanging over my head; still, just coming.
As August began people would ask me, everywhere I went, "What are you going to do as an 'empty nester'?" Or they might word it differently, such as, "Ooooh, I bet you just can't WAIT to get that boy out of the house."
I'd smile and chuckle about "he needs this, and I need this". But that was not an honest answer.
The truth was I had never thought of myself beyond my role as a mom. In my head I know that I will ALWAYS be The Boy's and the Girl's mom. But it isn't the same as an every-day, full-timing, best job in the world kind of mom.
With The Girl off on a mission for our faith, and The Boy leaving for his freshman year in college, I was suddenly without my true identity, my vocation, my purpose-filled role in our family. Sure I had a job I'd been doing for work for the past 2 1/2 years. But my focus was shifting. My skill set and expertise were no longer needed in a day-to-day way.
In my heart I could hear myself scream "WHY didn't you have more kids?!?" But I knew in my heart the reasons. The two we have are great. My mental health might not have survived (with whatever I have survived with at this point) another delivery and subsequent child to raise. I know the peaceful feeling I had after The Boy was born that this was my set. I had quite enough to be getting along with, thankyouverymuch. I had had much to learn, and they were enough to teach me.
But being a mom: an involved, participating, full-throttle, hearts-all-in kind of mom was what I knew I was. When he left for school, what would that make me?
I know my mom has always said that if she did her job right, my sister and I would be responsible, capable adults in our own right. That is the kind of mom I had striven to be. In fact, if I was half as good as she was, my kids would probably turn out pretty great too. But I wasn't home to watch her experience this empty nest thing. I didn't see her model this behavior, teach me from her instinct.
All I had going for me was a lot of self doubt, and heightened worry about The Boy with no way to immediately help him. He was moving 274miles, and 3 1/2 hours away. He knew no one there. His roommate had no similarity of faith. I only knew his sooner to be roommate didn't smoke, or at least didn't want to live in a roommate where anyone smoked. Not a lot to go on.
But, The Boy went anyway. His move was vastly different from his sister's from two years ago. Much less premeditated. Much less actually to pack. Much less information shared with his mother. He was behaving like, well, like, his dad.
Genius Golfer thinks over things extensively. However, he shares those thoughts sparingly, rarely even. But he is thinking about things. The Boy was doing exactly that. He was following the model he learned from. It just wasn't me.
The Boy is incredibly bright, in his own way. Where his sister is book smart, he has more street smarts. But he is naturally very bright and when motivated he can do anything he sets his mind to. This was HIS decision. This was HIS school of choice. This was HIS life he was deciding about now. I had to let him make those choices.
That said, I would still love a phone call or text once a week or so, just so I know he is OK. But if I also DON'T hear from the university, a hospital, or the police, I guess no news is good news. I just have to trust him. I also need to trust Him.
Never have my prayers been so sincere or heartfelt as when I feel out of control. and now with my young, semi-adult children, I have NO control. I have to trust the Lord that He will protect them, and guide them, and see to their needs when I cannot. They were His before they were mine, anyway. I just need to remember that. And keep praying.
So, I am adjusting. I still don't love it, but I am seeing silver linings starting to show themselves in my cloudy situation. I am only having to make dinner about 2 nights a week. Since I don't know how to cook--much less for only two--we tend to have more then enough to last the week. Or, GG gets a hankering fro something out, so we just go. We can get by with our varied 2-4-1 deals. It's almost cheaper to to it that way.
My evenings are my own. GG is still golfing, as long as the weather is good, so I can do what I like for the most part. No one is there to tease me about whatever book I want to read, movie to watch, or project to tackle. And the Netflix is all mine.
The house stays MUCH cleaner with only two old people living here. And GG takes his turn so there is less for me to do there too.
And when I do get a text (from The Boy) or a weekly email (from The Girl) I am absolutely thrilled to hear from them. They are both doing great. They have adjusted to their new situations better and faster than I have. They are becoming great kids--no, great people. They are pretty terrific, if I do say so myself. I am prouder than I have ever been of them. I love them more than when they left. And I know I will love them even more when I see them come through the door and I can hug them again as their mom.
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