Long Time, No Write?

Seeing as I haven't written anything here since October 8th, you may be wondering a few things. 

1) Did she fall off the face of the earth?

Possibly.  At least it feels like that some days.  But mostly it is my time is stretching thinner each day, it seems.  Writing for my own enjoyment, or even for posterity's sake, is being trumped by feeding my family, doing the minimum daily requirement cleaning,  or just stopping to catch my breath.

2) Does she not care anymore?

Sometimes this also is true.  Not that I don't care about the people who may or may not read what I write, but I have found myself caring less and less for the things that really rile me up that would otherwise have fed my fire to write.  Those kind of things are exhausting.  Caring sometimes is too taxing.

3) Is she too good for us now?

Heavens NO!  If anything my standards are slipping.  I have fallen off the soda wagon, good and hard.  I have become a slobbering soda drinking fool.  In fact I have even picked up a flavor--diet Dr. Pepper, or Diet Coke now fills my desires.  Sad, isn't it?  Five years sober, and now look at me.  I pity the fool.

4) Is she into stuff that is simply too embarrassing to write about?

Sadly, this isn't the reason either.  Frankly, if I had more exciting/embarrassing stuff to write about I might get the urge to write more often.  Instead, it is the daily, ho-hum, everydayness of my life that is keeping e from writing.  When the kids were little I kept a little notebook of the funny things they said or did.  That little notebook got increasing less used as the kids grew up.  They just didn't say or do things that seemed that cute anymore.  They are still delightful people, but they are more people that cuteness.

Trust me, there is embarrassing stuff happening all the time, but I am getting so used to it, it just doesn't seem worthy of writing.

5) She had better things to do, really?

No, not really.  I consider, and use this blog as a personal history site...a way to journal things that mean something to me. For a while, you may have noticed, the meaning left my writing.  Instead I was posting something simply because my goal was to write every day.  I met the immediate goal, but missed the long term mark. 

I do have some other priorities currently--check our Hermana DeBuck's mission blog, for example.  I am doing my best to keep that site current and loaded for the grandparents, primarily, to feel like they are hearing from The Girl in her newest adventure.

I am also trying to be more in the moment with The Boy.  The time I have with him at home is dwindling faster and faster.  As much as I want him to be ready to move on and have a great young adult life away at school, a mission, or wherever, I dread him leaving the house.  When I sit at the computer and write a blog post, I feel my heart being torn between fulfilling my need/desire to write and my need/desire to spend time with him--no matter what we might be doing.

As busy as I know I was before I worked--and I WAS busy, I know--"working busy" feels different.  Some days it is physical and others it is mental, but it relentless.  I enjoy what I do and feel I am making a difference at work, but I feel much more in a bubble than I did as a full time volunteer at school, or in the community.  There is a disconnect I am recognizing more and more as I just want to go home and stay home.  I make time to do things with friends, but I am growing the home-body side of my personally faster than my adventurous side.

So, friends, perhaps you can sense my dilemma.  I suppose my priorities have shifted.  Maybe my attitude is worse for the wear.  But hang in there with me.  This is likely a phase, and like all good phases, eventually I may grow out of it.  In case it isn't, just know that I enjoy having a place to sound off, share a feeling, express gratitude, and talk through a puzzling concept.  I enjoy having those things shared with you.  And I appreciate the broad range you allow me as I go through my life figuring it out as I go.

Really, isn't that what we are all doing?  I am not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out.  When I think that, I look at that person more closely and I come to find out that they are just better and hiding the confusion and insecurities than I am.  They are doing the best they can at that time too,  just like me.

I'm not giving this blog up, but I am giving myself permission to write when I really feel something.  I am not setting myself up to fail with empty posts just to have something on here every day.  Giving myself permission is a big step for me in figuring it all out. and I guess that is truly what this blog experiment was about in the first place.  A place to figure it out, and review and make adjustments.

Consider this the latest in my lifelong list of adjustments.  And I'll just keep figuring it out with you, one adjustment at a time.

Distracted

Whoa.  I missed writing yesterday.  There are just some days that get started a little differently that just throw the whole schedule off for me.  Yesterday was one of those.

I guess that means I am completely a creature of habit.  I always have been, I suppose.

In fact, there was a time my BFF growing up told me I was rigid.  That would be a call out for the fact that I am a habitual creature, right?

But if following a routine can get things accomplished, and I feel better about myself when I am getting things done--checked off the list, as it were--is there anything wrong with that?

Is giving yourself patterns to follow each day a bad thing, necessarily?

I don't think it is.  In fact, I am much more organized that that BFF-at-the-time ever could be.  And I never wished to trade her places.  I like the feeling of knowing the things I need to do, and having a plan, and getting stuff done.

Too bad it didn't really pan out yesterday.  But that is where I remind myself to "Go with the flow."  Then I exercise my flexibility too.  All things in moderation.  So, so much for rigid and habitual, I guess.  Yes, yes.  I'll be a Moderate.  That has a better feeling anyway.

Until something else comes along.

The Point of This Is...

Genius Golfer, my dear husband, read my blog last night. He, being neither a reader nor blogger, wasn't exactly sure what the point of my daily entry was supposed to be. While he is a computer genius and a singular golfer, he just doesn't GET IT.

You see, he has two friends. Mr. Rick and Mr. Jordan. These are two wonderful men. I am glad to know them. They have wonderful families and I adore their wives. But, Genius Golfer considers them his only friends. These are the same two friends he had in high school. With two such friends, Genius Golfer doesn't see the need to add anyone else to his list of friends. These two are enough to fill his friendship needs. Heck, we've lived in the same ward and same neighborhood for coming on to 14 years now and he still isn't really needing to know people's names or where they live. Just has no need for that information. That is why the two friends he has are just enough for him.

I have friendships all over town. I have church friends, pool friends, transplanted California friends, swim team friends, PTA friends, friends who are parents of my kids' friends. Really, the list has a lot of overlap, but there are significantly more than two. Socially, I enjoy the large number of people I have interaction with day to day.

Genius Golfer wasn't sure why I would want to blog since I talk to people all the time. Everyday I talk to someone I know--besides our Cul-De-Sac dwelling family. So after he read my first attempts at writing here, I tried to explain the reason for doing it.

I have loved writing for as long as I can remember. I was, at one time, a very diligent journal writer. For a while I wanted to study journalism in college and write news stories. I enjoyed creative writing classes--not that my goal was ever to become the next J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer. I love storytelling and enjoy it even more when it is a story that happened for real, in my life.

Blogging is like a daily writing assignment. It is my own personal newspaper column without any prescribed topics or arenas to explore. Ideally, I would love to have a gig like Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry used to, but the idea of someone breathing down my neck for the sake of a deadline would just suck the joy out of the exercise for me. Blogging is the perfect combination for me.

Now, if my writing is read by people, most likely my friends, and it makes any one of you smile for just a minute, than my work here is done. If Genius Golfer reads it and learns a little about my friends and the people I talk to all over town and makes a note that he too, by merely association, has a few extra friends, well, that is just a bonus I didn't expect. And there is no pressure for him to expand his friendship base. After all, for him, the bases are loaded already.