Long Time, No Write?

Seeing as I haven't written anything here since October 8th, you may be wondering a few things. 

1) Did she fall off the face of the earth?

Possibly.  At least it feels like that some days.  But mostly it is my time is stretching thinner each day, it seems.  Writing for my own enjoyment, or even for posterity's sake, is being trumped by feeding my family, doing the minimum daily requirement cleaning,  or just stopping to catch my breath.

2) Does she not care anymore?

Sometimes this also is true.  Not that I don't care about the people who may or may not read what I write, but I have found myself caring less and less for the things that really rile me up that would otherwise have fed my fire to write.  Those kind of things are exhausting.  Caring sometimes is too taxing.

3) Is she too good for us now?

Heavens NO!  If anything my standards are slipping.  I have fallen off the soda wagon, good and hard.  I have become a slobbering soda drinking fool.  In fact I have even picked up a flavor--diet Dr. Pepper, or Diet Coke now fills my desires.  Sad, isn't it?  Five years sober, and now look at me.  I pity the fool.

4) Is she into stuff that is simply too embarrassing to write about?

Sadly, this isn't the reason either.  Frankly, if I had more exciting/embarrassing stuff to write about I might get the urge to write more often.  Instead, it is the daily, ho-hum, everydayness of my life that is keeping e from writing.  When the kids were little I kept a little notebook of the funny things they said or did.  That little notebook got increasing less used as the kids grew up.  They just didn't say or do things that seemed that cute anymore.  They are still delightful people, but they are more people that cuteness.

Trust me, there is embarrassing stuff happening all the time, but I am getting so used to it, it just doesn't seem worthy of writing.

5) She had better things to do, really?

No, not really.  I consider, and use this blog as a personal history site...a way to journal things that mean something to me. For a while, you may have noticed, the meaning left my writing.  Instead I was posting something simply because my goal was to write every day.  I met the immediate goal, but missed the long term mark. 

I do have some other priorities currently--check our Hermana DeBuck's mission blog, for example.  I am doing my best to keep that site current and loaded for the grandparents, primarily, to feel like they are hearing from The Girl in her newest adventure.

I am also trying to be more in the moment with The Boy.  The time I have with him at home is dwindling faster and faster.  As much as I want him to be ready to move on and have a great young adult life away at school, a mission, or wherever, I dread him leaving the house.  When I sit at the computer and write a blog post, I feel my heart being torn between fulfilling my need/desire to write and my need/desire to spend time with him--no matter what we might be doing.

As busy as I know I was before I worked--and I WAS busy, I know--"working busy" feels different.  Some days it is physical and others it is mental, but it relentless.  I enjoy what I do and feel I am making a difference at work, but I feel much more in a bubble than I did as a full time volunteer at school, or in the community.  There is a disconnect I am recognizing more and more as I just want to go home and stay home.  I make time to do things with friends, but I am growing the home-body side of my personally faster than my adventurous side.

So, friends, perhaps you can sense my dilemma.  I suppose my priorities have shifted.  Maybe my attitude is worse for the wear.  But hang in there with me.  This is likely a phase, and like all good phases, eventually I may grow out of it.  In case it isn't, just know that I enjoy having a place to sound off, share a feeling, express gratitude, and talk through a puzzling concept.  I enjoy having those things shared with you.  And I appreciate the broad range you allow me as I go through my life figuring it out as I go.

Really, isn't that what we are all doing?  I am not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out.  When I think that, I look at that person more closely and I come to find out that they are just better and hiding the confusion and insecurities than I am.  They are doing the best they can at that time too,  just like me.

I'm not giving this blog up, but I am giving myself permission to write when I really feel something.  I am not setting myself up to fail with empty posts just to have something on here every day.  Giving myself permission is a big step for me in figuring it all out. and I guess that is truly what this blog experiment was about in the first place.  A place to figure it out, and review and make adjustments.

Consider this the latest in my lifelong list of adjustments.  And I'll just keep figuring it out with you, one adjustment at a time.