It's been nearly 2 years since I posted anything on here, but that isn't because I haven't had anything I wanted to say. Mostly it was just because I felt too stressed by work, worried about family, and discouraged by life in the real world to sit and write out my inner musings. But I am trying to change that. I want to purge my mind of the things that I worry about , the topics the world keeps pounding into me and the stresses of a job I'm not in love with but coworkers I really enjoy.
The world is a crazy place. We have been dealing with a global pandemic since March 13, 2020. Everywhere I have heard about those who are isolating, staying home to stay safe, and all the missing out of things. I also heard of so many that were catching up, making things right at home, reconnecting as families, and rediscovering their divine relationships. I envy that a bit. My job was deemed "essential" and therefore nothing has really changed but my work life has only gotten busier, and more accommodating to our customers, more tasks assigned, and only the same old group to do it all. I feel I have missed out of the reconnecting with my soul that many people have experienced. My soul is TIRED. My soul feels starved some days. My soul feels defeated.
My family is financially fine. Everyone of our Core 4 Family were deemed "essential" in March. But we were essential in three different locations. I'm grateful that things financially are OK, and I'm grateful that the kids' jobs were safe and they are healthy and doing just fine. But I have envious feelings toward those that could Skype and touch base each week or multiple times a week. Or even have everyone over on Sundays to have "at home church". When I'm not at work, I feel like I am treading water as fast as I can to keep my head above water. My mind is on overdrive and my emotions are spent.
We haven't had congregational worship meetings since the end of February. I miss the people I see there, even neighbors that I would normally see in the neighbor hood, but everyone else is "bunkering down", it seems. I miss the communal worship and singing together hymns of praise and worship. I especially miss the regular and thorough study I did weekly as I prepared to teach Sunday School. Doing it at home to keep up with weekly reading assignments is a very different way to study the scriptures. I miss the effort-filled preparation and the in persona sharing face to face and heart to heart. I miss my class members who have always had a larger breadth and depth of knowledge and experience they would graciously share each week. I miss the interplay with the Spirit as we shared our testimonies of the Savior.
I'm discouraged by the rantings of the media and the political leaders who seem only motivated to scare people and create a frenzy of terror and anxiety. I feel like I want to drop off the face of social media, but there I have tried to post something positive and uplifting each day--for myself as well as for others. It isn't always genuine as I struggle to see the positive, but I do it anyway as a "fake it 'til you make it" syndrome. Here is where I really feel I cannot do much to help the larger world. The professional media outlets from whom we have been able to learn unbiased information are gone. Now you tune in to hear what they want you to hear and then they ram it over and over down your throat. It is a world of confrontation and dissonance. It's uncomfortable and unsettling. But that is the choice we have. You can select hard right or hard left, and they will determine what you should know from their point of view. Gone are the days of unbiased journalism. Reporters all are working an angle and the networks just reinforce that angle all day long. It's exhausting.
Maybe someday things will be normal again. But I don't think that way things were in January will ever be considered normal. Whatever we end up with after this craziness will be the new normal, until the next big thing comes along.
I just want things to be simple and good and happy and right. I do not think they will be ever again. Or at least not until Jesus comes back. I vote for that. I vote for Jesus to come, and the sooner the better.
