An "A-Ha" Moment

 Shortly after moving in later December, I struggled with the lingering aspects of Covid related fatigue. But there was more to my melancholy. Today I learned what it was.

I have been listening to podcasts in my car during my lunch break. An hour seems like a long time for lunch when you haven't ever really HAD a lunch break before. Today I listened to an episode of Brene Brown's Unlocking Us podcast. This summer she and her two sisters are talking about the guideposts she introduced to the world in her book The Gifts of Imperfection. There are 6 episodes covering the 10 guideposts.

Today the podcast covered (#3)  Cultivate a Resilient Spirit and Let Go of Numbing and Powerlessness and (#4) Cultivate Gratitude and Joy and Let Go of Scarcity. In that podcast, which is a really easy conversation between three funny, loving, mental health-profession sisters who are articulate about these types of subjects. But together their natural talk unpacks these concepts in a way reading the book--which was AMAZING the first time I read it too--didn't do for me.

As I sat listening to these goals/guideposts, I realized that I spent a couple months grieving--similar to the feelings you have when someone dies--about leaving our home of 26 years. I missed my friends, I missed the old space and all (even the too much) my space I had there. I couldn't find things I know I packed and stored. But mostly I missed the easy way I could pull my friends into my life at the drop of a hat.

In those early months here I felt bereft of friends. Genius Golfer is good, but, come on. We gotta be real here. I missed my girlfriends. All the Marco Polo videos in the world didn't make up for the distance and aloneness I felt.

These three sisters articulated that feeling as GRIEF and in their naming it, I was given permission to call it what it was without feeling overly melodramatic. That made my heart heal a little bit.

Now, much has happened since those earlier months this year. I had prayed for friends and, what with God's funny sense of humor, he certainly gave me some new friends to build relationships with, but at the cost of being called as the Relief Society president in my ward. Now I am responsible for the welfare--temporal and spiritual--of 185 women. I'm in charge of getting sisters the help they need, when they need it. Convenience is no consideration or factor.

Now I am too busy and tired to be grieving. At least, I feel less like I need to. I still miss those very dear friends I left in our northern home. But I know that friendship is an unending circle, if I do it right. these new friends will never replace the long-time friends in my heart, but they will fill in some of the gaps in my heart.