The Truth Hurts

Yesterday a dear friend, who teaches at the HS, had a very uncomfortable situation with the parents of one of her students. This student earned himself an A- last term (which is now four weeks ago). The parents demanded a meeting with this good teacher and the principal because through a series of emails and drop-in non-appointments the father wanted the teacher to change this kid's grade to an A because he had some "extenuating circumstances" that kept him from working hard enough to earn the full A. You may well ask, What were the extenuating circumstances? The father's list is: He played soccer, and had a job, among other activities that kept this kid busy.

When this good teacher told the father that this kid had earned an A- and he knew what grade was going to be required for an A going into his final test that term (a B+, though he earned a C-). She already drops the kids' lowest test grade as a matter of policy in her class. He knew what he needed and he didn't get it. The sad thing is, she suspects the kid really doesn't care but the parents are being so irrational. The mother, in the meeting with the principal, even demanded that the principal drop the grade all together from the kids transcript and she assured the principal that she'd have him take the class again, elsewhere. Uh, no. Holy Cow!


That is the long story for my feelings today. This is not an isolated incident. Perhaps the parents push the boundary in this instance, but I have heard of several HS kids recently who had the same issue--the A- wasn't good enough. What is the world coming to?

With that on my mind, I would like to share some thoughts I picked up on my readings at the blog "The Art of Manliness". Brett and Kate McKay run the site and write on a variety of masculine topics--with an decided old-school flair. I find their blog very insightful and a little more than a bit nostalgic. The following excerpt is from the seventh part int heir series on Building a Child's Resiliency. I thought it was apropos in light of my good friend's confrontation this week.

Let Them Fail
When parents see their kids hurting, whether physically or emotionally, the natural tendency is to swoop in and make them feel better, to take the pain away.

By and large this is a normal and healthy impulse; children are vulnerable and need their parents to care for and protect them.

But pain also serves a valuable purpose in every person’s life, both young and old. It teaches us about things to avoid, shows us when we’ve made mistakes, and shapes our future behavior. Pain can be a teacher and without it we can’t progress.

Thus the parental impulse to stop all of a child’s hurt can be misplaced and can actually stand in the way of a child’s growth and the building of their resiliency. Solving all of your children’s problems takes away their pain in the short term, but impedes their ultimate happiness.

Children need to try things on their own, fail at them, and experience negative emotions like sadness and frustration. They need to learn to persist in the face of failure. Without failure and persistence, there’s no mastery (the feeling of being in control and knowing that taking certain actions get specific results). And without mastery, there’s no self-esteem and no resiliency.