Back To It

The kids are back to school after the week off for Spring Break. Genius Golfer only took a couple of days off, but the Master's Tournament was this weekend, so there was a lot of TV time around here. Now he is back to work too.

For me, I feel like I have a lot to digest.

Between General Conference last weekend, and our Stake Conference this weekend I heard so many messages of instruction, of direction, of inspiration. Plus, I was prompted to do something that I wasn't planning on for a while yet.

As I sat and listened to a beautiful talk yesterday about families who have had a love one stray from the Gospel, there was a sense--for me, at least--that I have to forgive my sister's ex-husband.

I am not ready to do that. My heart is still bitter and every time I talk to her I get riled up again. I really dislike him--in the strongest way. I would hope that I don't "hate" him at this point, but it is pretty close. I have softened a little and I feel sorry for him, I even pity his pathetic life.

See, I am a long way from being forgiving.

I have watched him get away with seemingly everything. He has been three years in court battles with my sister about their boys and the custody arrangements. He has chosen to not work in order to not have to pay child support--though, for the record he didn't work much even when they were married. He has tried every chance he gets to poison my nephews again not only their mom, but my family--their grandparents and us.

I know that every story has two sides, and I truthfully have only heard the one side. But I don't believe anything he says. I have seen him lie in court to the commissioner who is overseeing their custody situation. He doesn't pay his debts. He feel entitled and acts as if he is some kind of Golden Boy. He is arrogant and narcissistic. And yet he still seems to get his way, at the cost of their boys and my sister.

I like to think what we put out into the world will eventually come back to us, in a way, like karma. But so far, he is beating the karmic odds.

But yesterday I got the distinct impression that I cannot progress much further without forgiving him. I know that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it. But knowing that, and doing something about it are two different things.

Forgiveness is very hard. To me, with this particular situation, I had wanted to see some justice first, then I could forgive. But perhaps, I am keeping the justice at bay while I harbor this grudge and withhold this forgiveness.

But I still don't want to do it. It will take a long time. And I rather enjoy the times my sister calls and we can berate him verbally to one another. But I know that isn't helping her or her boys. And it probably isn't helping me either. And I know what I have been told, and that forgiving is necessary.

It is going to be a process, I believe. A long, difficult procress.